The Super Bowl (a.k.a. the Straight Oscars) happened last night. The Philadelphia Eagles trounced the New England Patriots 41-33. We’re not sure who all those hunky bearded dudes were who kept interrupting the commercials to run around in tights and throw a ball around, but they were pretty entertaining, too. Like, if you played a drinking game in which you drank every time they did something gay (like smack a butt, or doggie pile another man), then you probably ended your night nice and drunk. That being said, here are our favorite (and least favorite) moments from the game (ok, mostly just the commercials):
Justin Timberlake’s performance was so boring that it felt like a long, mediocre commercial for something we didn’t want to buy. Where was NSYNC? Why did Janet Jackson never show up for another staged “wardrobe malfunction,” but this time, ripping off Justin’s codpiece, thus exposing his floppy dick? And the flaccid mini Prince “tribute”… No. Just no. “The Purple One,” the funk icon from host city Minneapolis, deserved the entire halftime show dedicated to his originality, artistry, musicianship. Not a corporate pop machine, sponsored by a corporate pop machine (Pepsi) throwing part of one Prince track (“I Would Die 4 U”) into his pop medley. And why was JT wearing camo? We couldn’t blame him for wanting to hide.
What is this ad? Is this twee hipster woman supposed to be an average millennial? Like, do average millennials spend their time just awkwardly swaying and mumbling to themselves in front of Instagrammable brick walls? Did anyone think this was funny? If so, please come forward and state your name, and we’ll add you to a list that is definitely not a governmental roundup of Persons of Interest.
This was good except for, well, ALL OF IT. Who thought it was a good idea to use an anti-capitalist Martin Luther King, Jr. speech to sell things — in this case, a pick-up truck, a.k.a. the whitest of cars? And during Black History Month, no less?
While we hope that the robots of our future are wittier and more devastating than the robots offered up in this Sprint ad, we still like the general idea of a bunch of robots mercilessly mocking a human. However, these robots could have used a helping hand from Sophia, a.k.a. the Queen Bitch of Shady Robots, who recently brought her droll stand-up routine to none other than the United Nations. The commercial gets bonus points for co-starring character actor Jack Plotnick, aka “Evie” from one of our fave cult/camp films Girls Will Be Girls.
… and that’s how Regina George Danny DeVito died
Have you ever wanted to see Danny DeVito get hit by a bus? Now you can watch it over and over again.
The song of ice and fire
Even if you’re not a Game of Thrones viewer, then you probably still appreciated seeing Peter Dinklage and Morgan Freeman absolutely kill it in their Busta Rhymes and Missy Elliott lip syncs. But if you ARE a Game of Thrones fan, then you probably loved that that their simultaneously fiery and icy Doritos Blaze/Mountain Dew Ice ad was a clever nod to George R.R. Martin’s overarching series, The Song of Ice and Fire. Also, the commercial apparently confirmed a popular fan theory about GoT, if you’re interested.
Show of hands: Who would join a cult which forces you to shut out the terrible world and only eat guacamole for the rest of your life? Oh, all of you? Cool. This is a very funny commercial.
Celebrities sub in for Alexa
First of all, we would legitimately shit ourselves if Anthony Hopkins’ voice ever popped up while we’re asking Alexa for a recipe (and not just because he’d add a “nice chianti and some fava beans” to every meal.) But the Rebel Wilson cameo here is funny enough to look past the presence of Cardi B, who has still not apologized for her dumbass boyfriend.
My own private motorcycle
Just when Keanu Reeves seemed like he couldn’t get any hotter, he starred in a commercial in which he zoomed through the desert while balancing on a motorcycle and deadpanning inspirational self-care mantras in a delightful monotone. There was nothing to this commercial except for the fact that Keanu Reeves is inherently fuckable.