Pretty Painful: Armie Hammer’s Pre-Oscar Regime Is Bonkers

Entertainment, Featured  

Earlier this week, both celebrities and random people on the Internet questioned Call Me By Your Name star Armie Hammer for posting an Instagram video of him getting his shirtless chest “prepped” for the Oscars. But while certain people including Insecure star Jay Ellis asked things like, “Who is seeing your chest at the Oscars?” we have chosen to just be grateful for a free glimpse at Armie Hammer’s chest. Why question that?

Some background: Hammer confused his fans Wednesday night when he posted a short video of him getting his bare chest scraped with an orange tool, before a camera panned up to him saying, “Oscar prep.” Honestly, we didn’t even notice the tool at first; we just saw Armie Hammer’s chest and assumed that someone had started touching it as a purely instinctual reaction.

However, the video’s accompanying hashtag, #fasciascraping, suggested that Hammer was in fact getting his “fascia scraped,” which is an upper tax bracket activity involving deep tissue massage. Basically, the process consists of a sturdy-armed spa attendant vigorously rubbing a tool across your skin to loosen your “fascia,” or muscular connective tissue, in order to reduce cellulite. It’s incredibly painful, and even causes major bruising in some subjects.

But while we are obviously grateful for the free Armie chestage, we also can’t help but agree a tiny bit with the Internet’s resounding chorus of: “Y tho?”

Perhaps Armie will be performing a shirtless interpretive dance routine to Sufjan Stevens’ mid-ceremony performance of “The Mystery of Love?”

Still, as that one famous model once said, “beauty is excruciating pain.” Or maybe it was “nothing tastes as bad as fascia blasting feels.” We’re misremembering.

But Armie Hunny: If you’re listening, your chest is perfect just the way it is. After seeing Call Me By Your Name, a.k.a. “The Great Summer T-Shirt Shortage of 1980,” we can attest to that.

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