We made it, y’all. After fake death drops, real death drops, a Miz Craquaria rivalry that never was, and seemingly eighty thousand weeks of Drag Race, we finally made it to the finish line. And while we may be disappointed, we have ultimately come to accept our new reality: SPOILER ALERT!!! Aquaria is a Drag Race winner.
While she struck us the wrong way at first, with her chicken-necking and her nonstop insults (including one inadvertently directed at her drag mom, Sharon Needles), Aquaria eventually came to display a semblance of a personality and a Trump-like way of referring to her own awesomeness until people believed it. This all culminated in a stunning three-way lip sync in which she finally proved that yes, she deserved to win. Eureka’s “The Big Girl Wins” belt was pretty dope, though.
With that being said, here are our final Tops and Bottoms … until Drag Race inevitably returns in two days for All Stars 4 and forty-seven consecutive seasons of regular Drag Race, followed by RuPaul being cryogenically frozen in the series finale.
Eureka – She had three reveals in the final lip sync. Three!! Also, she had the best plan for using the prize money. (She wanted to pay off her mother’s medical bills.) What was Aquaria’s plan again?? To use the money to order hits on her enemies?
Whoever told RuPaul there should be a three-way lip sync – Way to take things up a notch from last year!! What’s next?? The Season 11 finale takes place in space?? Underwater?? The losers of the lip sync are instantly murdered by RuPaul?
The Pit Crew – Thanks for the memories.
Kameron Michaels – Kameron finally owned her shadiness after RuPaul revealed that she had done many Cher impressions before participating in the Cher Rusical. R.I.P. Quiet Kameron. Welcome Home, Shady Kameron.
Monet X Change – She finally won something!
The lone survivor of the Great Butterfly Genocide of 2018 – You are truly an inspiration to us all.
Aquaria – We never thought that Aquaria, the Queen of White Privilege, would win a Janet Jackson-themed lip sync… but here we are. With her Vanjie fan, Vivacious dress, and (later) her vagina sparklers, she finally stepped up and proved she wasn’t just all talk. She could honestly be the next RuPaul. Hang on, a masked assassin just backflipped into this room after we typed that.
RuPaul – No one can replace RuPaul, not even Aquaria. This is definitely not Michelle Visage dressed as a masked assassin typing this. Everyone at Flagrant is still alive.
Ongina – Her dress screamed “Big Bird” and her headpiece screamed “Night King.” Hopefully she’ll be on All Stars 4 so that she can try again. Wow, it really isn’t hard to replicate the tone of a Flagrant writer. You just — Y’ALL I’M STILL ALIVE, I DIDN’T WRITE ANY OF THAT, MICHELLE VISAGE JUST KIDNAPPED ME AND-aaghhgGINBGzssgcnvlquototozjzzzz–
Oprah, Gus Kenworthy, Judi Dench – Wow, what impressive guest stars! Only a true revolutionary like RuPaul could have attracted such A-list talent to the series finale! RuPaul really is an irreplaceable god!
Asia O’Hara – She slayed … an entire family of butterflies. She proved … Her dominion over the kingdom of insects. She won lasting fame and recognition … as a meme subject. Asia may in fact be the real winner of RuPaul’s Drag Race as well as life itself – OKAY I’M BACK, OHMIGOD I JUST HAD TO KILL MICHELLE VISAGE. SHE TIED ME UP AND BURIED ME UNDER A PILE OF ANASTASIA BEVERLY HILLS BEAUTY PRODUCTS AND IT WAS SO SCARY, BUT I TRIUMPHED OVER MY FEAR AND WAS REBORN AS A BUTTERFLY. TOO SOON?
Michelle Visage – That bitch is dead.