Last night, millions of queer people across the country collectively gasped when RuPaul Andre Charles eliminated all contestants in the Final Four for the first time ever. Then she handed the crown to Miss Vangie, retired from drag, and set the entire building on fire. J/k, Ru did exactly what we all knew she was going to do, and sent no one home. It was the least climactic thing we’d seen since sex last night.
In this episode, we witnessed as all four remaining queens — Eureka, Asia, Aquaria, and (sigh) Kameron — overcame the heartbreaking obstacle of having a drama-free workroom and performed a tight choreographed number by Todrick Hall. P.S. Can we all agree to just #BringAlyssaBack? Not only did Hall give the inane note to add an elephant noise to Eureka’s rap (couldn’t he just add that in post?), but he wildly threw around the word “octave” as if he just learned it yesterday. See, in the world of actual, non-Todrick Hall-written music, “going up an octave” means “going up eight notes in the same key.” However, Hall was having queens go up to different keys, which means he was actually asking them to “modulate” and not go up an entire octave. Oh! Y’all weren’t bargaining for a music lesson this morning? Sit down and tease your hair, bitch.
Speaking of singing (more on that later), the girls were also required to write a verse to RuPaul’s “American,” before starring on “What’s the Tee” and busting out their best runway looks on the mainstage. It was all pretty frustrating, considering we all suspected there weren’t any real stakes and that there would be a non-elimination at the end. But at least we know now that there’s a chance the crown could go to anyone — as long as their name ends in a vowel.
Now, in honor of this being a special episode — the last before the reunion and finale — we will recap the rest of the episode via a series of gasps.
GASP! Did the judges watch the same footage we did? Because Aquaria cannot fucking sing. Todrick obviously computerized the fuck out of her voice, because that bitch sounded like Russell Crowe in Les Mis.
GASP! Eureka revealed her brilliant Machiavellian strategy for winning the season: “They have to lose so that I can win.”
SARCASTIC GASP! Eureka had a fear of dance, then shockingly overcame it in time for her performance.
GASP! Kameron spent a full five seconds with the other girls in front of the mirrors. This was the most dramatic moment of the entire season.
GASP! Asia has finally turned her confessionals fully into the Shade Corner, shading not just her fellow queens but her own damned self.
GASP! Aquaria showed real human emotion while the queens were learning their choreography. Cue Flash Gordon references: “Look! Water is leaking from her eyes.”
GASP! But then Aquaria finally went full sociopath and “joked” that she would murder RuPaul and Michelle Visage for the crown during “What’s the Tee.” Then she smiled innocently, fooling no one.
GASP! Aquaria also went full delusional about her singing ability, claiming, “Todrick loves my track, I am so happy with it, it is definitely going to be the most memorable of the four.” Moments later, Todrick intoned, “Those were some sketchy vocals.” And y’all are still rooting for her? OK. Like, her most endearing moment of the entire season was when she sang about having clear piss, but OK.
GASP! We’d need a thesaurus to find all the words to describe Eureka’s excellent “defining moment” on the runway.
GASP! Aquaria’s runway look was a “traditional evening gown with ‘Aquarian flair,’” which just meant that her crotch was exposed.
GASP! This episode was actually patriotic AF. From RuPaul’s reminder to vote in November, to the fife and drum-heavy final chorus of “American,” to Todrick’s cool choreography involving salutes, marching, and good ol’ American twirling, this was the best argument for the integration of drag into mainstream American culture since White Chicks. With “American,” Ru was basically saying, “Drag queens are American, too.”
GASP! This lyric from Asia was dope: “American dreams are built on words we dare not say.”
GASP! This lyric from Eureka was less dope, but still quite dope: “You can be a stripe and get in line, or be a star and not be defined.”
GASP! Kameron’s performance in “American” was essentially this: