Footlong Foles: Super Bowl MVP Allegedly Has Massive Dong

Comedy, Featured  

Okay, “sports fans.” If you were in Philly the night after the Eagles’ Super Bowl historic win last Sunday, or if you took part in the free-beer parade celebrating the new NFL World Champions, you might have been one of the rowdy fans tempted to climb a Crisco-covered light pole.

Speaking of poles, some other news and/or rumor has escaped out of the Eagles locker room. Nick Foles, the backup quarterback who led his team to defeat the New England Patriots 41-33, is allegedly (hopefully?) extremely well hung.

How did we come to know this? It has been documented, folks.xbb

In 2014, fellow Eagles teammate Connor Barwin heavily implied on Reddit that the biggest dick in the locker room belonged to Nick Foles. According to the topnotch reporting on Deadspin, “Eagles offensive lineman Evan Mathis did ‘not condone,’ but also did not debunk, Barwin’s answer.”

In college, Foles earned such nicknames as “Big Dick Nick” and “Footlong Foles.”

Locker room talk. Foles briefly played for the Rams.

Foles replaced starting quarterback Carson Wentz who tore a knee ligament in early December 2017. Foles had a great season back in 2013, though did not demonstrate anything marvelous in games until the last two months. Eagles fans (voted the most intimidating in a Sports Illustrated poll of NFL players, which is why there used to be a jail at their old stadium) gradually put their enthusiastic mania behind Foles. Fans are especially happy with Foles now that he gave Philadelphia its first NFL title since 1960, simultaneously defeating probable Trump supporter and Zoolander wannabe Tom Brady and his pompous New England Patriots. (Fuck head coach/Trump pal Bill Belichick too!)

Although it is likely that recovered Wentz will next season resume the starting QB post, as he is hailed as a stellar athlete, Big Dick Nick can feel proud for all the accolades surrounding this great win and for packing a Most Valuable Penis inside his jockstrap.

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