In case you’ve ever wondered what an upscale bachelorette party or the inside of Bruce Vilanche’s mind looks like, just check out “Peen Cuisine,” which is an Instagram account full of penis-shaped gourmet food.
While you won’t be able to find Peen Cuisine’s meals next to the Healthy Choice dishes in the frozen section of your local grocery store, you can still check out the full cocklection of dick-shaped confections on Instagram and on the creator’s blog.
Accompanied by a series of lascivious slogans like “Opening Mouths and Opening Minds,” and “Always Hungry, Always Horny,” the meals of Peen Cuisine include such drool-worthy recipes as “Dark Chocolate Cock Pops” and “Cockprese Salad.” All of the meals are 100% meatless (except for the dicks, of course.)
The names of the dishes, however, range in wittiness. While there are such aural pleasures as “Pumpin’ Pie” and “Berry Creamed Puffs,” there is also a dish called “Cockamole and Chips.” We personally think “Chips and Cock” would be much more fun to order. It sounds like something you’d get at a Chipotle that doubles as a sex dungeon. Also, why is there not a “Throb Salad?” Or a dip called “Artichoke Me Daddy?”
If you’re not feeling dicks, then you may be pleased to know that Peen Cuisine will soon come out with a series of vulva-shaped goods for its female and non-binary fans. We’re guessing these will include such staples as “Vagaroni and Cheese” and “Twat Roast.”