Midterms Democratic ‘Blue Wave’ Could Change Everything


While it may seem like things are going to shit in America, that’s only because things are going to shit in America. But all hope is not lost. If modern American democracy were a Hollywood film, then the 2016 election would by no means be the end of the movie. More accurately, it would be the end of Act One.

While the Republican Party has reared its ugly head and established itself as this country’s top villain, there’s still a whole Act 2 left for progressives to recuperate and push back. Maybe there will even be a training montage. (Cut-to: Oprah deadlifting Gayle for ten minutes.)

After all, if you want evidence that the left is about to make a major comeback in the 2018 midterms, then look no further than the recent spate of Republican retirements. In addition to pain-in-the-ass Darrell Issa (R-CA) recently announcing his retirement from the House of Representatives, there are the 18 House Republicans and 3 Senate Republicans who are saying they will sashay away in 2018. That doesn’t even count the many GOP’ers who are stepping down from their current positions in Congress to run for different offices or pursue entirely new careers. Auspiciously, this pattern falls heavily in line with that of 2008, which also turned out to be a Democratic wave year.

However, that doesn’t necessarily mean that all of these Republicans’ open seats will go to Democrats. Some of these Grand Ole Politicians are only retiring because they’re too old and rich to find the motivation to haul their ass to the Capitol every morning anymore. (If Black Mirror were real, then half of these guys would have already created robots to vote on things for them.) Moreover, some of these open seats are in districts that almost always vote red.

Still, there’s a tidal wave of Trump resentment which is motivating Democrats to mob the polls this year. (Actually, it’s more like a disaster movie-size tidal wave, like the 1000-foot-high tidal wave that fucked up Jake Gyllenhaal in The Day After Tomorrow.) So that’s something to look forward to, in addition to the inevitable movie we will now write about Oprah prepping to run for President in 2020. (Cut to: Oprah, drenched in patriotic sweat, screaming to a crowd of immigrants from the top of the Statue of Liberty, “EVERYBODY GETS A CAR!”) (Cut to: Gayle, whispering in her ear, “Immigrants don’t come through Ellis Island anymore. Those are actually tourists.”) (Cut to: Oprah, backing away very slowly.)


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