No Trump Left Behind: First Lady Melania To Announce Children’s Agenda

Featured, Politics  

Now that Melania Trump has realized her husband is probably not getting impeached before Midterms, she has apparently just bitten the bullet and decided to carry out her duties as First Lady of the United States. Today, she will announce her formal platform at a Rose Garden event using a speech stolen from Nelson Mandela.

While Melania has said since September of 2017 that she plans to work on behalf of the well-being of children, she has yet to figure out exactly what that means. Most recently, the Orange Juicer hosted a “listening session” for children in the White House just as FBI agents were raiding the office of her husband’s lawyer.

Melania has also indicated in the past that she had planned to curtail online bullying, which upon further reflection seemed more like a subtle trolling of her Twitter-happy husband than a genuine promise to change anything. (She hasn’t changed anything.)

Still, Melania’s approach to her First Lady platform will reportedly be multi-pronged, and yet vague AF.

“[Melania] has not narrowed her platform down to just one topic as has been done in the past,” said Melania’s spokesperson, who stole her statement from Martin Luther King. “Mrs. Trump wishes to help the next generation by creating change through awareness on a variety of issues that affect children.”

Translation: Melania will be teaching her husband how to read.

In fact, Melania will be teaching all of Trump’s children how to read, as part of an initiative called “No Trump Left Behind.”

Sadly, the announcement is coming 16 months into Melania’s tenure as First Lady, despite the fact that Michelle Obama announced her “Let’s Move” campaign eleven months into her tenure, and Laura Fucking Bush debuted her “Ready to Read, Ready to Learn” program within her first year at the White House.

But of course, Melania has only taken this long so that she can ensure her program is the most tremendous program the world has ever seen. Or maybe she just knows that she won’t actually have to do any real work for her initiative since she’ll be leaving the White House in about six months.

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