In the first ever occasion of “The National Enquirer” and “serious news” being associated together in the same article, the Associated Press reported today that the Enquirer once paid a doorman $30,000 to keep him quiet about information that would have hurt Donald Trump’s campaign.
Reportedly, the recipient of the hush money — a former doorman at one of Trump’s New York buildings — had heard a rumor that the president had fathered a child with an employee at Trump World Tower. Cue: Donald Trump wildly denying this rumor, despite the fact that no human would ever in their right mind pay someone $30,000 unless the information they had on them was not 100% not a rumor.
Those of you with a Google Alert for “National Enquirer” and “omg this country is imploding” will recall that the Enquirer also reportedly paid former Playboy model Karen McDougal $150,000 to keep her quiet about a supposed affair with Trump. This revelation in turn raised enough interest at the FBI for them to raid the offices of Trump’s personal lawyer, Michael Cohen, on Monday.
Honestly, the most surprising part of all this — besides the fact that the National Enquirer does more than insist that Martin Luther King was an android and dolphins can grow human arms —is that Trump was actually concerned about hurting his campaign at any point. It certainly didn’t seem that way when he was mocking differently-abled citizens, bragging about knowing despots, and threatening to murder all of his political opponents. But yeah, sure, the rumor that he had a love child is definitely the thing that everyone should have been worried about.
Also: Seriously, paying hush money for love children is such old news. We were really hoping that the revelation that eventually toppled Trump would be that he secretly feeds Tiffany Trump human babies for breakfast and that’s why her skin is so porcelain white all the time. OMG WAIT, IS TIFFANY TRUMP THE LOVE CHILD?
Honestly, we don’t even know what to say. We may have just stumbled on something big. Stay tuned.
[to be continued]