By Evan Lambert
You may have heard a recent conspiracy theory claiming that First Lady Melania Trump relies on a body double for many of her public appearances. You may have also heard from many well-meaning news sites that this is an unfounded claim. However, we here at Flagrant have chosen not to believe these “facts,” and have decided to investigate the theory for ourselves. As of today, we are proud to tell you that through a combination of persistence, resourcefulness, and a general hunger for the truth, we have managed to secure an exclusive interview with Melania Trump’s body double — and identical twin — Melanoma Knauss.
Melanoma recently sat down with us near the bathroom of a Soho McDonald’s to chat about life, love, and her connection to the ’90s R&B vocal group Boyz II Men.
FLAGRANT: Melanoma is quite an interesting name. Does that have any special significance?
Melanoma: My mother is meaning to name me “Melania,” but has stroke in middle. The doctors write down name still. When twin sister come out several minutes later, she recover from stroke and get it right second time.
So you and Melania both grew up in Novo Mesto, Slovenia?
Yes, this is right. Melania was child model, while I is doing the jump roping. I was number one jump rope champion in all of mid-southeastern Slovenia. When I turn older, my friend Svetlana and I, we used to lure American tourists to hostels for the torture. Svetlana was hilarious. She get run over by car.
I’m so sorry to hear that.
Eh. (Shrugs) She was weak.
So how did you end up in the United States doubling for your sister?
I come to United States as backup dancer for ’90s R&B group Boyz II Men. Their producer is paying to do the torture one day and sees me doing the jump roping and thinking I will be good to move my hips on stage. So I go with him. When Melania come later, she meet the Donald and decide to go on date with him because he has the money. But she say, “Melanoma, Donald is too much the ugly and stupid. Can you go on second date with him so I do not have to look his ugly face? Harharhar. He will not know difference and we can split money later when he die.” So we switch off dating duties, and neither one of us spend too much time looking at his ugly face and hearing his stupid words. We do this until he decide to marry her. I do not remember which of us was there at wedding. I think me.
Which of you wore those impossibly high heels to visit Harvey victims?
That was me. That was my bad.
This is also me. Melania is off adopting cheetah that day.
Yes, he is living in Trump Tower now.
Aren’t cheetahs endangered?
Yes, we see him on episode of Planet Earth and we love him, so Melania has the Donald call up producer of show and threaten all his friends and family. Now he is ours! Melania name him “Carl Jr.”
Huh. Well, that’s incredible that you still double for her.
Melania is my best friend. When we were 12, she save me from wild boar trampling through market. She push me out of way and it instead kill pickle seller trying to give us bad deal. Two birds, one boar. I am always saying that. When we are together, we troll Internet and we make comments under videos of the Donald. We use screen names like “HillaryLover69” so he will not know that it is us.
Melania is so funny, she is so much having the humor. She is always making fun of the Donald’s mammoth ass and visible panty line. Harharhar.
But seriously he is the worst.
Isn’t one of Melania’s missions as first lady to stop bullying?
We have stopped the bullying. In hometown in Slovenia, for many many years, there was event where we put “doodoo head” person up on wooden block in front of town and ask him math problems. It is always dumbest kid in the class, so he never know the math. It was so much the funny. We have people turning the block round and round so everyone could see and laugh and throw doodoo at the doodoo head.
Anyway, we told them, “Stop that,” and they did.
There are also some who worry that Melania is not a friend of the LGBTQ community.
This is the crazy talk. In hometown, gay guys are living like the kings. We do not kill them like Chechnya. We are allowing them to turn the block with the doodoo head.
I thought you stopped that.
Oh, uh … yes. We … stop that. I don’t know what they do now. Probably hairdressing.
Where do you stay when you’re not on body double duty?
I am living in secret room in Disney World Cinderella castle. Tom Cruise and Suri Cruise stay there once. I hide in ceiling that night. Sometime, I hear the children play outside and it remind me of when I am nine years old, playing with doll in living room, before meteorite come through roof and kill brother in room next to me. Then I take nap.
Does The Donald know you exist?
He does. Melania does all bedroom things with Donald, because we both agree she is more lifelike. But sometime, she call me up and say, “Melanoma, the Donald want threesome tonight.” So I have to go to their bed and he try to make the sex with us. He never last more than three minutes, so he never does both of us. Just her. So I just hold her hand and look in her eyes, so that her soul does not die.
Do you think Donald Trump is bad for this country?
Oh, yes, but when the United States are exploding, then everyone can move to Slovenia! We have the best torture!
Great, well, thank you so much for your time. Please ask Melania to share this interview on her social media accounts.
Of course, I will, thank you so much for telling my story. Are you wanting to eat your fries?
Melanoma opens up to our reporter in this EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW below:
(Melanoma: Maebe A. Girl, Photography: David Ramos)