The Oscars are upon us, which means the race for next year’s Oscars is beginning … yesterday. No doubt, we can expect that at least one of the major movies released in March will enter the Oscars conversation — even if it’s just for Best Sound Editing. Now, with that being said, we’ve singled out eight March films that WE think are worth your while. So if you’re wondering what to do on the one random day in March when it’s cold outside, just pick from this list of must-see flicks. They cover the gamut of queer stuff, straight stuff, big blockbuster stuff, and “what the hell did I just see” stuff. Enjoy!
Red Sparrow (March 2)
Jennifer Lawrence didn’t have a good 2017 — or 2016 for that matter — so maybe 2018 will be the year she finally wins back the hearts of cynical culture bloggers. Sure, people hated Mother!, but we doubt many will hate this pulpy Russian spy movie featuring Lawrence screaming the line, “You sent me to whore school!” It’s like the Boris and Natasha version of Butterfield 8.
Our recommendation: Come for the Atomic Blonde/La Femme Nikita action, stay for JLaw’s accent.
A Wrinkle in Time (March 9)
Another potential campfest, A Wrinkle in Time is already promising thrills, drama, and 50,000 different Oprah wigs. Seriously, based on the film’s promo shots, Oprah looks like she’ll be trying on — at various points — a pompadour, a cascade of frizzy curls, and what can only be described as the wig version of the Sydney Opera House. And speaking of Oprah, she recently told reporters that the movie will act as a sort of healing agent for the country: “[It’s] a story that we’re gonna need until there is no longer a planet Earth, ’cause the darkness is spreading so fast these days, we need warriors of the light.” Hey, we’ll take what we can get — even if it’s a movie about a thirteen-year-old flying through space.
This movie also stars Chris Pine, as well as Reese Witherspoon and Mindy Kaling all rocking Party City makeup.
Thoroughbreds (March 9, limited)
We’re not sure yet if this movie is gay, per se, but we do know it’s a black comedy about wealthy and beautiful teen sociopaths being badass femme fatales and probably making out at one point … which is at the very least entertaining! It has also been described as a “Heavenly Creatures for the era of the Kardashians,” which is enough recommendation for us! (Heavenly Creatures was the movie where Kate Winslet played a naughty lesbian.)
This movie also stars the late actor Anton Yelchin, a.k.a. the sexiest Chekov of the Star Trek franchise, in his final role.
Love, Simon (March 16)
Queer teens deserve cheesy, sappy, superficial coming-of-age stories just as much as straight teens do. That’s the only reason this movie is revolutionary; otherwise, you can be sure it’ll play it sweet and safe to stay on the good side of conservatives. But who knows? The right will probably still end up accusing all of the teens in Love, Simon of being crisis actors paid by the left to further the sinister liberal agenda. (This time, however, they’ll be right.)
Isle of Dogs (March 23)
If you love dogs, but hate when they speak English to you and take you on cross-continental quests, then this may not be the movie for you. But if you love adorable stop-motion films, sentimental nonsense, and Wes Anderson, then we’ve just thrown you a bone. This film features the sexy voices of Bryan Cranston, Edward Norton, and Lev Schreiber, as well as a story about a dystopian future and an inspiring friendship, or something.
Recommendation: See this movie high as balls. One of the best decisions of this writer’s entire life was seeing Fantastic Mr. Fox after two joints and a Xanax.
Ready Player One (March 29)
Do you like video games? It doesn’t matter. This movie about a totally-immersive video game with real-life consequences is more about the future and cool action sci-fi sequences than it is about video games. Directed by none other than Steven Spielberg from a critically-acclaimed bestselling 2011 novel, this movie — which is set in 2045 — could only mess up at the box office if it proves too close-to-home for some viewers. As temperatures around the globe are at the highest point they’ve ever been for this time of year, the desolate, climate change-rocked future-Earth of Ready Player One is terrifyingly plausible. But still, why not enjoy a nice, fun movie while the Earth implodes?
Gemini (March 30, limited)
This mystery thriller may or may not have a major plot twist hinged upon a main character’s sexual orientation. The fact that the character is a popular Hollywood starlet, played by Zoe Kravitz, makes this even better. Gemini has been deemed “enchanting” and a “neo-noir,” so if you appreciate really well-crafted mystery action thrillers about massive fame and fortune, then Gemini may be your soulmate.
Lean on Pete (March 30, limited)
The latest from talented out Weekend director Andrew Haigh, Lean on Pete has already drawn glowing reviews from critics for its lush visuals and powerful characters. While this isn’t quite a queer film, it’s still a moving drama about a boy (Charlie Plummer) and his horse and the giant, tragic, often forgiving world that we live in. Oh, and Steve Buscemi and Chloe Sevigny. Who doesn’t love them??