People magazine has a long and disturbing history of handing its “Sexiest Man Alive” award to men who either (a) are not sexy or (b) used to be sexy five years ago. Exhibit A: Johnny Depp won the award in 2009 – six years after the first Pirates of the Caribbean came out. Exhibit Everything: Blake Shelton, a dirty, homophobic used-up teddy bear with eyes shaped like fresh okra and a voice like Ennis Del Mar’s dirty jock strap, just won the publicist’s sweepstakes yesterday.
Ugh. This wouldn’t have even made sense ten years ago, when Shelton looked less like your handsy uncle who just got out of prison. Seriously, we find it hard to believe that the leadership at People — which consists primarily of gay men and women — would choose this human version of day-old fried chicken (and not even from KFC) to serve as our world’s ambassador for human male sexiness. Obviously, Gwen Stefani (his inexplicable girlfriend) must have dressed as a janitor, snuck into the People headquarters, replaced Armie Hammer’s picture with her husband’s, and then threatened the lives of every People writer’s friends and family once the Editor-in-Chief caught her. One day, when the aliens study our primitive forms of media and communications, they will single out Blake Shelton’s “Sexiest Man Alive” status as incontrovertible evidence of our failure as a species.
Stefani, for her part, isn’t even pretending to be surprised that People kowtowed to her unhinged threats.
“He’s perfect for it,” she told People in a video call as she casually held up a map showing every staff member’s home address circled in red pen. “Somebody that is funny and has a sense of humor is sexy — that’s the No. 1 thing.”
Hmm. Let’s review some of Shelton’s hilarious “jokes,” shall we?
First of all, there’s his dull, “low-hanging fruit” jokes that anyone who’s ever seen a rainbow can make. In 2010, he tweeted:
“Question for my gay followers … Are Skittles y’all’s favorite candy?”
Then there’s his straight-up homophobic jokes. In 2011, he literally tweeted that he’d violently beat any man who makes a pass at him:
“Re-writing my fav Shania Twain song.. Any man that tries Touching my behind He’s gonna be a beaten, bleedin’, heaving kind of guy…”
Actually, that is pretty hilarious that he thinks any dude would ever want to make a pass at him. Hahaha ok we get it now – That’s funny!! Cool. Good job, Blake.
Anyway, we’re mostly just confused as to why Stefani is dating Shelton in the first place. Considering Shelton’s racism, sexism, homophobia, and overall excessive lameness, what in the holy hell does the former “Just a Girl” singer see in him? Her ex-husband used to date a drag queen. How cool was that?
Whatever. Here’s hoping People magazine’s next Sexiest Man Alive isn’t, like, Dean Cain.