A Confession by Enrique Marie Presley
Social media is atwitter over news of a new female-targeted “premium lifestyle” beer from the Czech Republic called Aurosa. #beerforher is generating more ire than praise throughout the twitterverse with its cloying, faux feminist diatribe that proclaims itself “a representation of a woman’s strength and a girl’s tenderness. The two contrasting tempers, present in the female essence, are depicted through the elegant design yet the strong, unfiltered taste.” Mmm… one sip and we can taste our strong and unfiltered femininity as a gay man. A strong and unfiltered gay man.
We imagine ourselves on a private jet on our way to a rejuvenating weekend of cocktails and yoga in Turks and Caicos. Onboard, we are wearing a full-length Blackglama and streaming episodes of “Dynasty” on our solid gold and diamond-encrusted iPad Supreme Edition, chuckling at the strong and unfiltered feminine machinations of one Alexis Morell-Carrington-Colby-Dexter-Rowan-Onassis. We knowingly shake our Louis Licari-coiffed head and softly mutter, “Oh, Alexis. You minx.”
Suddenly, one feels a firm yet tender hand on one’s shoulder. “Excuse me, sir. My name is Isaí. And I will be attending to your every need on this flight. May I offer you a glass of Dom Perignon 1966?” A slight crinkle of one’s nose and pursing of lips indicates a note of displeasure to what is being offered by the tall and muscular Isaí. “Perhaps you can come up with something more… strong and unfiltered?” one replies with a subtle tilt of the head. Isaí gives a half-smile and wink as he excuses himself. One experiences a slight rise in body temperature and tinge of desire, and removes the bespoke fur.
Isaí returns with a single chilled and glistening bottle of Aurosa Premium Beer “Crafted For Her.” He crouches down and moves his powerful body closer, almost uncomfortably close. “Perhaps sir would enjoy this new libation from the Czech Republic. “Very exclusive. Very premium. Very wet. And very refreshing to the palate.” One looks down at the strong, phallic form of the faux-marbled bottle, unashamedly erect and tumescent. A rapid flush of excitement, confusion and fear overcomes as one reaches for the luxe bottle. And grips. Firmly. With determination. And raw animal lust.
Taking this as an unspoken invitation, Isaí clasps his own hand around the bottle and confidently guides it up to one’s open and waiting mouth. Bodies now pressed firmly against the other with breath quickening, the first few drops enter. (Delicious.) Then more. (Fantastic.) And more. (Where am I?) Until there is an explosion cold, crisp, effervescent premium beer dribbling down the corners of one’s mouth.
Later, laying naked atop the Blackglama on the cabin floor and surrounded by 7 or 8 empty bottles of Aurosa, a single post-coital Virginia Slims is shared. Isaí nuzzles one’s neck and confesses, “You are intoxicating. If you will permit me, I would like to ravage your loins once again.” “Of course, darling,” one responds as thighs are slowly opened. “As long as you make it… strong and unfiltered.” With one finger, he softly parts one’s lips. With the determined grip of his other hand, Isaí presses the tip of a freshly-opened Aurosa up to the now open and insatiable mouth. “Whatever you desire, sir. Whatever you desire.”