Hey y’all, it’s Sapphic September! Get ready for a month of life, love, ladies, and ladies lovin’ ladies, ‘cuz a parade of woman-powered films are coming your way. (And if they’re not about lady-loving, then they have Tiffany Haddish in them.) There are many reasons to patronize your local multiplex this month!
The Nun – 9/7
The Nun is set in 1952 Romania, which is a setting unfamiliar to us — but you can bet it’s different from 2018 Romania. (We’re also unfamiliar with 2018 Romania.) It’s also set in the Conjuring Extended Universe, which is like the Marvel Universe but with the Farmiga Acting Dynasty. This time, it’s Taissa Farmiga in the starring role as an unsuspecting nun sent to investigate the mysterious suicide of one of her sisters. Supposedly, the film also creates a backstory for the terrifying mutant nun who haunts the Farmiga of The Conjuring 2.
A Simple Favor – 9/14
Did you like Bridesmaids? Did you like The Heat? Did you like Spy? Did you like Ghostbusters? J/k, no one liked Ghostbusters. But if you said yes to the other questions, then you’ll probably like A Simple Favor, which – like the others – is directed by Paul Feig. And just like Feig’s other babies, A Simple Favor puts a femme comedic spin on a well-known genre – in this case, the mystery thriller. Anna Kendrick stars as a small-town blogger who tries to solve the disappearance of her rich and mysterious best friend (Blake Lively.) Just imagine Blake Lively’s character from Gossip Girl shitting in the street in a wedding dress, and that’s probably what this movie is. Oh, and Andrew Rannells is in it!
Lizzie – 9/14
Honestly, all we needed to know about this movie in order to want to see it was that Kristen Stewart and Chloe Sevigny bone in it. And Kristen’s accent is on point. Oh, and it’s based on the true story of Lizzie Borden, an unmarried 19th century woman who just says “fuck it” one day and murders her entire family.
Colette – 9/21
Oh hey, another Sapphic slice of cinema! This time the lesbionic woman is Keira Knightley — the anointed queen of period pieces — starring as the real-life turn-of-the-century French novelist Colette. (She was like the Beyoncé of early 20th century French literature.) But this is not just an excuse for Knightley to pout aggressively in form-fitting dresses. This is about Colette’s ongoing realization that her husband is a POS and that she doesn’t want dick anymore. It’s also, like, inspirational or whatever.
Assassination Nation – 9/21
The Salem Witch Trials get a modern update in this gorefest about Salem, MA devolving into violent chaos. After a hacker exposes deadly secrets about the town’s citizens, a teenager and her friends are then forced to fight for their lives in a sexist nightmare. (It’s like The Purge but with sexting.) The film, which looks like a bonkers good time, is sure to resonate with supporters of the #TimesUp movement. It stars Odessa Young, Suki Waterhouse, Hari Nef, and Abra (not the Pokémon.)
Life Itself – 9/21
Antonio Banderas and Oscar Isaac both appear in this rom-com-drama set in New York and Spain, which is appropriate because we cherish our sex fantasies of them more than we cherish life … itself. It also stars Olivia “My Performance In Broadway’s 1984 Was Underrated” Wilde, Mandy “My Name Is Inigo Montoya You Killed My Father Prepare to Die” Patinkin, and Annette “Where’s My Fucking Oscar” Bening.
Fahrenheit 11/9 – 9/21
It’s like Fahrenheit 9/11 but backwards … JUST LIKE OUR COUNTRY IS BACKWARDS. J/k, the 11/9 is actually in reference to November 9, 2016, a.k.a. The Day The Earth Stood Still, a.k.a. The Day Donald Trump Won the Electoral College. As you may have guessed, this documentary is another Michael Moore joint about the sad state affairs that is the United States of America. Expect everything from impassioned yelling to cathartic Trump takedowns.
Love, Gilda – 9/21
We’re not crying, you’re crying! SNL star Gilda Radner gets her due in Love, Gilda, a touching documentary that reflects on her life and career through a series of recently discovered audiotapes and interviews. Radner, who left the world much too soon in 1989, was dangerously hilarious, so you can expect this doc to leave a mark.
Night School – 9/28
If you ignore the fact that Kevin Hart is in this, then you’ll be able to appreciate the fact that Tiffany Haddish is in this. The premise is fairly straightforward: Haddish plays Hart’s teacher in a night school where Hart is trying to get his GED. Hart shouts; Haddish twerks; everyone laughs.
Bad Reputation – 9/28
Finally, it’s here: A documentary about the Taylor Swift/Ed Sheeran collaboration “Bad Reputation.” J/k. This documentary is about Joan Jett, whose debut solo studio album Bad Reputation established her as a major rock force to be reckoned with. The doc chronicles her badass rise from being told “girls don’t play rock and roll” as a child to becoming a rock icon selling out entire stadiums.