Gold Medal Gays: Out Canadian Skater Wins, USA’s Rippon Cheated


This weekend, Olympics fans witnessed history in the making as a figure skater became the first openly gay athlete to ever win a gold medal at the Winter Olympics. The problem? It wasn’t Adam Rippon.

It is with heavy heart that we congratulate Canadian Eric Radford on his gold medal in the team figure skating event in Pyeongchang. We wish him the best in his future endeavors. But seriously, what happened to #AmericaFirst?

According to NBC figure skating analysts Johnny Weir and Tara Lipinski, and like HALF OF THE AUDIENCE, the judges totally screwed over America on this one. Perhaps anti-American sentiment is to blame? (Unfortunately, we can’t blame homophobia, since Radford did win. Damn you, Radford! Foiled again!)

Team USA’s Adam Rippon and Gus Kenworthy.

But if you don’t believe us, or Johnny, or HALF OF THE AUDIENCE, might we refer you to the moment that a Russian skater fell TWICE this weekend but was still only a point away from Adam Rippon in the men’s free skating competition. Also, if you watch the gold medal-winning Canadian team routine, you can see that the woman almost hit her head TWICE. And as experienced athletes and prominent experts on the art of figure skating, we can tell you that smacking your head on the ice during a routine is punishable by instant death.

Rippon, however, is already winning the Olympics in other ways. In addition to commenting on the “generic” nature of the condoms being distributed at the Games (“I’m not upset; I’m disappointed,” he deadpanned in an Instagram Story), he recently said he needed “Xanax and a quick drink” to calm his nerves on the ice. But that being said, Eric Radford is kiiiiiiind of a babe. Just check out his pic with Rippon below. Can we just pretend he plays for our team, too? As in, the American team?

Second side-note: Adam Rippon and Gus Kenworthy are not the only queers at the Olympics! There’s also speedskater Brittany Bowe, who has been ignored by the media because sexism probably.

Third side-note: #SeriouslyGetYourShitTogetherJudges #AmericaFirst

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