All of the Fifty Shades of Grey movies are objectively terrible, but the last two have really upped the ante in terms of insipid vanilla dullness. Now, we’re finding out that Fifty Shades Freed could have included a redeeming moment that would have raised its Rotten Tomatoes score from 11% to at least 15%. It could have included full-frontal male nudity.
According to director James Foley, Jamie Dornan shot plenty of full-frontal scenes, but they never made the final cut and are currently languishing in the film’s dailies. (In unrelated news, we just bought a cat suit on Amazon and pulled up the blueprint for Universal Studios HQ.)
Foley helpfully explained to Entertainment Tonight his reasoning for cutting out Dornan’s peen from our screens:
“It just didn’t come off… Full frontal would have been a kind of deliberate cut, to see that for no reason.”
Wait, so does that mean that every other scene in these movies is deliberate? Because we honestly couldn’t tell. Fifty Shades Freed is based off a book that includes the line “My nipples are hotwired to my groin”, and you think a two second shot of dick is what’s standing in your way of an Oscar nomination??
Also, there has been gratuitous female nudity in movies since the invention of the penis. What’s really going on here is that the director of Fifty Shades Freed is a man, and he is directing these movies like a man would, i.e., with the male gaze front and center. That’s why Dakota Johnson has to get naked approximately 50 million times, but we’re supposed to be titillated by one fleeting shot of Jamie Dornan’s thrusting butt. But it’s DELIBERATE and DRAMATICALLY IMPORTANT to see Dakota Johnson’s nips and vag.
Nope, this was just a director lazily and desperately grasping for clickable headlines by mentioning there was male nudity in his dailies — which probably happens in, like, every movie before NC-17-avoiding editors swoop in and cut out all the dick. Enjoy your 11% Rotten Tomatoes rating and good luck at the Razzies, Mr. Foley.