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Beat Yo Self: PornHub Launches Specialty ‘Dirty’ Socks

Entertainment, Featured  

We have truly reached a golden age of television, as evidenced by a recent Emmy-worthy video from Pornhub.

In what may be one of the most inspirational television spots of the year, Pornhub has compiled a bevy of motivating images (such as footage of a man pummeling a punching bag) that will encourage you to not only be your best self, but also buy masturbation socks.

Yes, dear readers: Pornhub has released an inspirational commercial for masturbation socks – “pro gear for your feet and hands,” proclaims the ad campaign.

“The truth is: It’s in the darkest hours when you rise to the occasion,” says the commercials’ narrator, as if Winston Churchill had suddenly decided to make his famous World War II speech about masturbation.

Picking up on this irony, the hosts of Desus & Mero recently joked about the commercial, asking, “Why do they make jerking off look like D-Day?” and adding “It’s a very different version of Saving Private Ryan.”

Blessedly, the commercial is exploding with further masturbation puns, as if the video spot’s copywriters are using the opportunity to stroke their own… egos.

“First you choke, but once you warm up … your hands are hot,” says the commercial, as serious-looking, rather attractive men in hoodies walk down city alleys dramatically, as if this were a cross between Creed and 8 Mile. “You may go solo,” it continues, “but you come hard. You give it your all until the very last drop.”

And then the commercial finishes itself off with one of the aforementioned serious-looking men sitting down at his laptop, opening up Pornhub, and pulling out a masturbation sock.

“You are your hardest contender,” says the narrator, “so beat yourself.”

The socks bear the likeness of two female porn performers (Asa Akira, Madison Ivy) and one male (Johnny Sins).

We have to admit, “pounding one out” with the full-print likeness of a recognizable star feels a bit like a perverse ventriloquism act, a la Shari Lewis and Lambchop.

 

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