Because major studios are run by marketing cogs and dullards, and because Americans are apparently too simple to appreciate original, exciting storytelling, Hollywood is churning out yet another reboot — of a remake. Reportedly, Kristen Stewart and Lupita Nyong’o are in talks to headline the 2019 reboot of Charlie’s Angels, which was also made into a movie in 2000, followed by a sequel no one asked for in 2003, following its original television run from 1976 to 1981.
While your first instinct may be to sigh loudly and repeatedly until someone nearby finally asks why you’re sighing, it’s hard not to be thrilled at the idea of K-Stew and Lupita kicking major ass. And don’t even think about making any jokes about how K-Stew’s mouth-breathing will help her maintain oxygen flow while she fights bad guys: She’s one of us now. You may recall that she referred to herself as “I’m so gay, dude” in a February episode of SNL.
Charlie’s Angels is just one of many upcoming reboots and remakes. Men in Black is also being rebooted into a trilogy — without Will Smith — and Hocus Pocus is horrifically being made into a Disney Channel movie, in a clear psychological assault on Americans. Flagrant commented on that particular news earlier.
It’s still unclear who the third angel in the Charlie’s Angels reboot will be, but we have some suggestions. What about Kate McKinnon? She could potentially lend some sass and queer things up even further. Or even Jennifer Lawrence? Playing kick-ass action stars is kind of her thing. Honestly, we’ll even be fine with, like, Cara Delevingne. Just give us a reason not to hate the fact that there’s another reboot being shoved down our throats. Kthxbye.