We are sad to say that the results are in, and the Heart experienced some arrhythmia last night. After a Reading mini-challenge, a Snatch Game, and a zany mermaid runway, Miss ‘Mo just did not get the blood flowing this week — and unfortunately had to be removed from the body-ody-ody. Meanwhile, Maxine Waters just introduced legislation to have the Snatch Game banned forever.
Here are this week’s power tops and messy bottoms:
Eureka — There are so many reasons she came out on top this week. First, this read: “Kameron Michaels, I don’t really have a read for you. Please just fuck me.” Second, this read: “Aquaria, I love your confidence. You’re always telling yourself how you’re beautiful, how you’re talented, how you’re gonna win … You’re also a pathological liar.” Third: This queen’s choice to scrap her DOA Divine Drag and go full Honey Boo Boo. Bitch knew how to heighten: Her escalating passion for drawing pictures on herself was inspired.
Aquaria — Could this queen possibly have a PERSONALITY? She made a series of smart and funny references to Melania Trump’s tragic life while portraying her on the Snatch Game, and her smoky eye was more full of lies than Sarah Huckabee Sanders. Also, this surprisingly self-aware quote killed us: “I think my humor comes from a very confused place.” Also: Her appropriately devastated “Oil Spill Realness” look on the runway had us gagging.
Monet X Change — She should’ve won, if anything just for these lines: “Why does the caged bird sing? Because Mariah Carey lost the key.” “I’ve written 17 books, 19 plays, 13 autobiographies and two Hallmark cards.” Also, this response to Monique reminding her she’s dead: “Like dust, still I rise.”
Guest stars Kate Upton, Audra McDonald, and Alex Trebek — This sounds like a set-up for a joke, no? (Oh, uh, we don’t actually have a joke for this. Maybe that’s the joke?)
These aquatic punway quips: “Whaddya call ‘em? Tits.” “She’s looking for her friend, A Net.” “Clam-ydia.” “Tuna turner.” “Battlestar Gill-actica.” “Reef Housewives of Beverly Hills.” “I think Eureka SUCKS … characters into her and then lives as them.”
Monique Heart — Every night in our dreams, this Heart will go on. Her various ventricles pumped plenty of laughter and love into our lives, and she was never Totally Eclipsed by her queens. But that Maxine Waters was a nightmare.
Miz Cracker — Her obscure Snatch Game reference (Dorothy Parker) mostly paid off, since most viewers had no idea if her impersonation was accurate. But she did get some good lines in. Exhibit A: “I love spending an evening making jokes with smart and beautiful people, so you can imagine how disappointed I am.” Exhibit B: “You have a swimsuit issue? I have one as well. It’s that no one wants to see me in one.”
The Vixen — Her poor attitude about her performance this week was more childish than the behavior she accused Eureka of. But we were here for her politics and her passion and her very hazy notion of comedy. (See: Her potentially funny — but ultimately tragic — impersonation of Blue Ivy.) And like Monet said, “Someone needs to call CPS on Blue Ivy because that is not cute.”
Kameron Michaels — SAFE AGAIN. Bye gurl.
Asia O’Hara — Making cocaine jokes about Whitney Houston would’ve been offensive, but it would have been less offensive than portraying Queen Goddess Beyonce as a bitter, scathing megabitch. When are these queens going to learn that Beyonce is not funny?? Robots are never funny: Hasn’t anyone watched Westworld??