Sure, Aquaria can talk shit about Miz Cracker’s makeup, but can she generate the beautiful, operatic, Shakespearean drama of The Vixen? Y’all, Vixen is Reality TV gold, and we should be thanking her for taking the Miz Craquaria rivalry to the next level. After all, if it weren’t for her, then we’d just be … what? Talking about whether Dusty Ray Bottoms wore dots this week? (She did, but not enough to look like a smallpox victim. Cue: Inspirational music.) Anyway, as our #1 seed Monet X-Change said, Vixen is the whistleblower of the season, and we are here for it.
By the way, who TF came up with the idea for “PharmaRusical”? Was it someone who was actually taking all of the drugs that those queens were singing about? Because that was the wackiest thing we’ve ever seen — excluding, of course, that time we took shrooms and thought Mike Pence’s butt was his face.
(If there ever were a man who wondered, “Is there an anal option …”)
Anyway, in order to simplify your lives, we’ve separated the ru-mainder of this Ru-cap into a list of tops and bottoms.
The Vixen – She won the maxi challenge, purely thanks to her leadership skills in the lip sync challenge. It definitely wasn’t because of that runway look.
Dusty Ray Bottoms – We honestly love Dusty’s dots, and would 100% open a food truck called Dust’n Dots that is literally just Dusty Ray Bottoms serving Dippin’ Dots. Also, Dusty is crazy cute outside of drag: Can we talk about that as a society?
Kameron Michaels – She had butterflies flying out of her puss in perfect formation! Not even Snow White can do that, bitch! This queen’s “metawhorephasis” was everything.
Monet X Change – We were gagging over her sparkly red Whorethy Gale look. “If she clicks her thighs together, will she get to make a wish?”
Miz Cracker – She didn’t do much this episode, but we loved her runway choice of “Egyptian Teletubby.”
Yuhua Hamasaki – HOOAH!
Alyssa Edwards – We know she wasn’t actually a contestant this week, but we would totally take an acting class from Ms. Uta Hog Body.
Blair St. Clair – When the queens were learning their choreo, did anyone else think that Blair “I Do Declare” St. Clair looked like Jack Skellington from The Nightmare Before Christmas? Do we need to link to a picture of him for you to see what we’re seeing, or is the mental image of Blair teetering around on skinny-ass eight-feet-long legs enough?
Eureka O’Hara – We’re glad she’s sucking dick again, but she couldn’t have taken her rehabilitated knee over to the thrift shop and bought something cuter than that bodysuit? Also, TWO breakdowns in one episode? Three if you’re counting Untucked? Are you fucking kidding me? Eureka has maxed out on breakdowns for this season: Someone give this bitch a charge card.
Monique “AmericaMyFaceIsSayingEverythingYouNeedToKnowDotCom” Heart – This pop art/club kid look was cool, but not life-changing.
Aquaria – “If RuPaul doesn’t see the star in me, then that means I’m not showing him my star.” If it weren’t for that failed attempt at poetry, then Aquaria might be a Top this week. We were truly inspired by her decision in the mini challenge to shove an entire broomstick up her anus.
Mayhem Miller – Where did this bitch get off reading Monet’s sponge dress in Untucked? The theme this week was literally “Show Us Your Best Drag,” and she just threw on a reject dress from the Teen Choice Awards.
Asia O’Hara – What did she do this week besides bitch at Eureka? No, seriously, we don’t remember.
Kalorie Karbdashian-Williams – Bye.
Halsey – Bless her for this quote: “The eyes are the nipples of the face.” She definitely got the memo that said “Don’t take this judging gig too seriously.” (Padma Lakshmi, on the other hand, did not. She acted like she was judging a murder trial.
Lashauwn Beyond – Honestly, this bitch should charge royalty fees for all the times people have made “RuPaul’s Best Friends Race” jokes since she left.