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Flagrant Crowns RPDR Season 10 Queen, Runners Up

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Here is the elimination order for season 10 of RuPaul’s Drag Race.

It is with heavy hearts that we announce that Aquaria will not win Season 10 of RuPaul’s Drag Race. In fact, she won’t even make it to the top three. We, of course, have deduced this through the very scientific process of watching the Season 10 “Meet the Queens” videos and then judging everything about them. Thus, according to our calculations, Bob the Drag Queen’s opera-singing drag daughter Monet X Change will win Season 10, while Aquaria will just be the stuck-up bitch who goes home in episode 5.

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Here are the facts, henny:

Week One Eliminated Queen: Kalorie Karbdashian-Williams

Despite being the show’s first Albuquerqueen, Kalorie’s shtick has us yawning. She says she’s “obsessed with the Kardashians.” Yawn. Plus, she says in her video that she wants Kalorie “to be known for being kind.” As other have stated before, this ain’t RuPaul’s Best Friend Race!!

Week Two Eliminated Queen: Mayhem Miller

She gets points because her name comes from the “Mayhem” tattoo on Tommy Lee’s crotch in his sex tape with Pam Anderson, but how many times have we heard a queen brag about her “experience?” OK, sure, but do you even Snatch Game, bro???

Week Three Eliminated Queen: Monique Heart

She seems cool but we forgot what TF she said in her video.

Week Four Eliminated Queen: Yuhua Hamasaki

Yuhua Hamasaki is a crazy good seamstress and creative camp queen, but we can’t tell from this boring-ass video. Plus, someone from New York needs to go home in the first half of the season, otherwise Thorgy will cry “Rigged!”

Week Five Eliminated Queen: Aquaria

She gets points for saying, “The only versatile thing about me is my style,” but otherwise, her chicken-necking shtick just falls flat. One minute after namedropping her drag mentor, Sharon Needles, she claims she wants to be known for being “a winner of RuPaul’s Drag Race who actually deserves it.” Bitch, you know you just dragged Sharon, right?? As soon as she says, “I don’t define drag, drag is defined by me,” the writing’s on the wall. This queen is 100% Milk.

(But Ru will keep this Internet-famous queen around just to rake in those Likes.)

Week Six Eliminated Queen: Asia O’Hara

She gets points for her lack of chicken-necking and for claiming that her style is “a little Thierry Mugler meets The Gap,” but then she says, “I may not be the best, but I put my best foot forward.” OK, Miss Confidence.

Week Seven Eliminated Queen: The Vixen

This dope-ass hip hop artist gets points off for arrogance. She adores Tyra Sanchez for being “unapologetically a bitch,” and she even adds, “I already think I’m better than everybody.” There’s no ‘I’ in drag! But at the same time, we can’t wait for her inevitable Untucked pissing match with Aquaria.

Week Eight Eliminated Queen: Blair St. Clair

Blair says she got her drag name from her mom, which is the cutest fucking thing we’ve ever heard. But the queens of RuPaul’s Drag Race do not appreciate “cute.” They will run this “1960s retro Broadway queen” into the ground. (And then she’ll win Miss Congeniality.)

Week Nine Eliminated Queen: Eureka O’Hara

Eureka’s had some time to figure out a new strategy for the season, but like she says in her video, she’s already benefited greatly from being on the show. She doesn’t need the career boost that some of these other queens could get from going all the way. But she gets tons of points for calling herself “PHAT … Pretty hot and tasty, baby!” And that being said, we can’t wait for her “stunty ass bullshit” from her “big-ass bag of tricks.”

Week Ten Eliminated Queen: Kameron Michaels

Hey look, it’s Truck Stop Whore Barbie! We are here for this muscle queen’s self-proclaimed “androgynous, not hyperfeminine” approach to drag — and judging by this video, she’s a truly boundary-pushing queen. However, because we are very scientific, she gets technical points off for saying “she’s a little bit of old school drag, a little bit of new school drag.” She may be the fifth queen to say that in her video? We lost count.

Third runner-up: Vanessa Vanjie Mateo

Vanessa seems hilarious. When asked about people’s first impressions of her, she says, “When people first meet me, they think … I dunno, THAT I’M A BITCH?” But we believe that she’s a “sweetheart,” and we love that she sees herself as “Beyonce for the people who can’t afford Beyonce.” Plus, she says Alexis Mateo is her “drag mama, drag dad, drag uncle, [and] drag family.” But seriously, she has so many good quotes. Exhibit A: “I wanted to audition for the show because I knew that I would make it.”

Final Three: Miz Cracker, Dusty Ray Bottoms, Monet X Change

Yep, we’re calling it. Based solely on the quality of the Season 10 “Meet the Queens” videos, we are saying with full 15% confidence that the final three queens of RuPaul’s Drag Race Season 10 will all be from NYC.

Second runner-up: Dusty Ray Bottoms

Dusty Ray Bottoms gets points for being “theatrical, dark, and witchy.” As she explains, “If you could take the rainbow, and if that was Dusty, she would outline every color in black.” She also has dope-ass eyebrows that she drew on by accident one day. (“I couldn’t figure out how to draw eyebrows on, so I mapped them out with dots, and I stopped, and I was like, ‘Whoa, that’s really cool.’”) Plus, she’s a musical theater queen, so she has talent to spare! But she gets points off because her name is literally just because she’s a bottom.

First runner-up: Miz Cracker

She gets her name because she’s “thin, white, and very salty” — like a cracker! She’s been described as a “Jewish Barbie on bath salts,” and she has wit for days — which, as we all know, can get you very far in this competition. “Watch out Bianca Del Rio,” she warns. “You should have finished high school!” But still, she’s no Monet X Change.

Winner: Monét X Change

Monét is the realest bitch of Season 10. She knows she doesn’t need to throw shade at any of the other queens to be dope AF. As she puts it, “I try not to take life too seriously, because tomorrow, I could be up outta here.” Plus, she has the best personal interpretation of drag (“Drag to me means freedom and liberty”) and she expertly uses the word “jolliness” in a sentence. Oh, and she has the best story behind her name: “I was having some sticky wing chicken, and I saw a currency exchange booth across the street, and I thought, ‘Mmm, money … Monet … accent over the ‘e’ … put a ‘t’ on it, girl,’ and here I am. Monét X Change. Give me your dollars!”

Just give her the crown already.

Season 10 of RuPaul’s Drag Race will premiere on March 22.

 

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