If you’ve ever caught yourself in the middle of a Saturday night hookup thinking, “Man, this would be so much better if he were a fish,” then you’re in luck! After this past weekend’s Oscars, a set of Shape of Water-inspired dildos are practically flying off the shelves and into lucky vaginas and buttholes across the country.
Thanks to the innovative company XenoCat Artifacts, you can now celebrate The Shape of Water’s Best Picture and Best Director wins by stuffing yourself with fish dicks! Twenty eight Fish-Man dildos sold out in less than 20 minutes, but more are in production. The Etsy-based company has an entire page full of thick, scaly, fleshy, veiny amphibious turdpunchers that you can purchase and then place inside of yourself at your own discretion. You can even put one of these weapons of ass destruction in your mouth if you’re ever craving fish & chips!
The best part of these portable womb brooms, hands down, is that you don’t have to wait for a giant fish-man’s cloaca to open before you gain access to them! I think we can all agree that the lamest part of Sally Hawkins’ relationship in Shape of Water was that whenever she wanted sex, she always had to wait several minutes for her boyfriend’s penis to emerge from its evolutionarily advantageous protective organ. She couldn’t just, like, fiddle with it and wake it up a bit; it was always a game of hide and seek! Well, these aquatic arse-openers brilliantly solve that problem!
Perhaps Hawkins’ character could get her hands on one of these watery wangs and stow it away for whenever her hubby is out hunting dinner in the ocean. And who knows? There might even be nights where she’s like, “I don’t feel like waiting for that thing to come out, honey; I’ll just take care of myself.”
Truly, we will look back at this invention in 100 years and say, “That, my friends, was the pinnacle of human achievement.” And then we’ll swim away with our fish-human husbands and off to our homes at the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean.