Ground Control To Major Dumb: Trump Proposes ‘Space Force’


How does that famous line about Paul Revere’s Ride go? “One if by land, two if by sea, covfefe if by space?”

We’re only asking because the President of the United States is now insisting that our country’s next great proving ground in battle is outer space. 

“My new national strategy for space recognizes that space is a war-fighting domain, just like the land, air, and sea,” said Trump earlier this week in a speech to Marine Corps servicemembers at an Air Station near San Diego. “We may even have a Space Force. We’re doing a tremendous amount of work in space, and I said, maybe we need a new force. We’ll call it the ‘Space Force.’”

Jeez. We always knew Trump was a space cadet, but this is beyond extra. It’s even embarrassing that he couldn’t come up with something more creative than “Space Force,” which honestly just sounds like a sequel to Space Jam in which the Looney Tunes faces off against the Russians.

Of course, there are a number of obstacles that President Trump must face before he can declare literal Martial law — not the least of which is that the creation of a Space Force would be an unparalleled and universally-recognized act of war, akin to brutally murdering all the members of the United Nations during an annual spa retreat. In 1967, the U.S. signed an “Outer Space Treaty” that prohibits states from not just placing weapons of mass destruction in Earth orbit, but also establishing military bases on the Moon or other celestial bodies, or testing weapons.

So basically, if President Space Toupee were to do anything other than strap a BB gun to a rocket ship, we would be saying “Zdravstvuj” to nuclear winter. (That’s “hello” in Russian.)  

More ironically, there’s also the tiny, tiny problem of Trump not assigning a permanent administrator of NASA yet, presumably because he’s spent too much energy on firing everyone he knows. So even if he were to order the creation of Space Force, there would still be no one around with the knowledge or expertise to train the Space Force for, well, space.

(Cut to: Trump’s aides having him play StarCraft and convincing him that he’s actually commanding the Space Force in a rousing battle that redeems the United States in the eyes of the entire universe.)

But with all that being said, we’re not yet convinced that Trump didn’t just come up with this plan for the sole reason that he’d one day be able to say: “Vice President Pence, Uranus is under attack.”

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