Pull up a Cher, folks, because we need to talk about this week’s episode of Drag Race. Last night, we were #blessed with not just the return of Chad Michaels (do you believe in life after Drag Race?), but a shnappy “Slap Out of It” mini challenge and an unauthorized Cher musical that had us over the moon(struck) — and it was all in time for the release of the soon-to-be-classic Mamma Mia 2. Oh, and Billy Eichner and Andrew Rannells were guest judges, the latter of whom gave some of us a Silkwoody.
So let’s Cher a laugh or two and spill the tea (with Mussolini) about this week’s tops and bottoms.
Blair St. Clair — Gone, but not forgotten. Seriously, how hard would it have been to keep around the one singing queen around for the, idk, LIVE SINGING? Blair’s absence just made the heart grow fonder. Especially when Aquaria was singing.
Monet X Change — Monet had the most fun Cher impression, and her “Caught in a Forest Fire Realness” look on the glitter-themed runway was pretty hot. But this queen should have known that Michelle would clock her tape. Chica has an eye for honing in on queens’ imperceptible weaknesses: It’s like Drag Race runways are Planet Earth, and Michelle Visage is the apex predator of the drag kingdom.
Monet X Change’s sponges — It’s about time we give these hardworking sponges a shout out. Can someone give them a Twitter account?
Cher — Even though she was conspicuously absent from the judges’ panel, her presence loomed over this week’s episode like a Bob Mackie hairpiece. Side-note: How many drag queens doing Cher impressions in one room does it take for a Cher to appear? There was so much hair-flipping going on that we were surprised no one got knocked into a coma.
Also: Would anyone else like to take the beginning of the Cher Rusical (Cher’s voice reading tweets over the soothing sounds of ocean waves) and make that your new bedtime sound instead of whales?
Miss Vanjie — We are now convinced that Miss Vanjjie is actually an uber-powerful billionaire with Russian mob connections who has threatened to sue Drag Race if someone doesn’t say her name every week.
Kameron Michaels — Kameron did not have the best Cher impression (see below), but still won this week’s Maxi Challenge. Wtf? Is Ru trying to Mean Girls this competition and just hand out bits of the crown to everyone?
Miz Cracker — Cracker had the most technically-accurate Cher impression, and her runway look was like if Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull was directed by Joel Schumacher. But we finally realized what bothers us about Cracker: Her head outside of drag is an upside-down pyramid.
The Backup Dancers — Needs no explanation.
Asia O’Hara — Her Cher was nothing to Cher-ish, but her “Cirque du So-Hey Gurl” runway look gave her the goofy boost necessary to nail the Lip Sync For Your Life. We also appreciated when she put her motherly instincts to good use and temporarily sedated The Vixen’s primal Black Woman Fury before the Maxi Challenge.
Eureka O’Hara — Eureka finally got called out for what she was in Asia’s “Come to Jesus” moment with Vixen: “Eureka is a representation of what a lot of [black queens] don’t like in the community.” She also (surprise surprise) had a sob story for why she didn’t nail the live singing this week. And (surprise surprise) it was perfectly calibrated for reality TV. This bitch is an evil genius.
The Vixen — As Monet put it, Vixen wasn’t so much doing Cher as she was doing Dennis Rodman — hence, her elimination this week. But we’ll still miss this queen’s, er, passion.
Aquaria’s Therapist —Whoever you are: Can you review the chapter in the Therapist’s Manual about “Delusions?” ‘Cuz this bitch needs a free session.