Jesus Take The Steel: Religious Right Leaders Believe Christ Will Carry AR-15


If you thought that the church that literally worships guns was disturbing, then you’ll be thrilled to learn that a whole slew of religious leaders are claiming that the Bible and God both endorse mandatory gun ownership. And if that weren’t enough, they’re also arguing that when Jesus returns to Earth, he’ll return with an AR-15.

In this new video mashup of Christian leaders preaching the importance of gun ownership, there is a disturbing amount of talking heads who seem convinced that the Bible demands “all citizens ought to be armed so they can defend themselves against left wing crazies.” (We’re confused: In this scenario, do the left wing crazies have assault rifles, too? Doesn’t sound like us, but OK.)  

At one point in the video, Jerry Boykin of the homophobic Family Research Council says that when Jesus comes a second time (to Earth … you pervs), he’ll come bearing an AR-15 assault rifle. Obviously, this is bullshit. If anything, he’ll come with a sensible pistol. He’ll also high five all the social progressives (as he himself was a famous progressive), and punch all the conservatives in the face. Then he’ll ask some of the progressives to rethink their stance on atheism. (“Look, I hate my dad, too, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t real.”)

Also, we’re pretty sure that when Jesus trashed that temple in Jerusalem, he didn’t do it by kicking the door down, unloading an assault rifle into the temple owner’s face, and throwing grenades blindly until everyone either ran out or shat themselves. (Incidentally, that corrupt temple bears a striking resemblance to the money-grubbing evangelical megachurches of 2018.)

That doesn’t mean Jesus isn’t a stunt queen, though. Anyone who pretends to be dead for three days just to get more famous (like Taylor Swift when she went off social media) is bound to return to the Earth with SOMETHING to grab our attention. But we doubt it’ll be an assault rifle. It’ll more likely be an advance copy of The Winds of Winter.

Speaking of which, here’s a controversial SNL short film with a locked, loaded Christ (Christoph Waltz) in an homage to the films of Quentin Tarantino.


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