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American Gun Worship: Nutso Church Sanctifies Assault Rifles

Featured, Politics  

We already know that America worships guns, but this is taking things to a whole ‘nother level.

Hundreds of believers at a Pennsylvania church (where else) participated in a ceremony Wednesday which — we kid you not — declared assault rifles to be magical objects sent from God. Quoting from a Revelations verse in the Bible that says “he shall rule them with a rod of iron,” the worshipers of World Peace and Unification Sanctuary armed themselves with AR-15 style rifles — such as the one used in last month’s mass shooting in Parkland, FL — and displayed their Biblical rods of iron in an elaborate wedding and worship ceremony.

Coincidentally, “Biblical rod of iron” is also what Karen Pence calls Mike Pence’s dick.

The worshipers at the church, located 20 miles southeast of Scranton (a.k.a. the home of Dunder-Mifflin), donned crowns of bullets and placed zip-ties in their weapons so they could not be loaded. The ceremony attracted widespread attention and even encouraged a nearby elementary school to close for the day, lest the kids find out their parents next door had lost their damn minds. It sparked one demonstration outside the church, with one protester telling the Associated Press, “it’s scaring people in the community.”

Personally, we feel that the Bible was probably just referring to a sceptre or abnormally large baseball bat when it mentioned said “rod of iron,” but hey, different strokes for different folks.

The World Peace and Unification Ceremony is known for their kooky ceremonies, however, and even earned a unilateral dismissal this time from their parent church, the South Korean-founded Unification Church.

Also, if you’d like a tongue twister for the day, the name of the ceremony was “the Cosmic True Parents of Heaven, Earth and Humanity Cheon Il Guk Book of Life Registration Blessing.” Say that ten times fast.

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