Mr. Zuckerberg Goes To Washington


Facebook Inc. Chief Executive Mark Zuckerberg will finally face the music today when he steps in front of the Senate Judiciary, Commerce, Science and Transportation committees to discuss his company’s mishandling of data from up to 87 million unsuspecting Facebook users.

Reportedly, the Zuck will apologize for said mishandling of data and “show contrition” for not doing more to address Russian trolling on the social network during the 2016 presidential campaign. We hope that he’ll also apologize for zapping the productivity of literally billions of people across the planet, and for rolling out stupid newsfeed updates every time we grow used to the old ones.

Meanwhile, Eduardo Saverin and all the other rich assholes that Suckerberg screwed over in The Social Network are gleefully guffawing at their breakfast tables — their laughter reaching across the long, empty tables and echoing throughout the uninhabited mansions that also serve as metaphors for their empty souls.

Anti-Zuck zealots will recall that none of this would have happened without some good old-fashioned whistleblowing from a gay, pink-haired vegan named Christopher Wylie, who recently revealed to The Guardian that Facebook had lied repeatedly about its sharing of users’ data with the Cambridge Analytica firm.

So what’s the worst that could happen? If Facebook tanks, does that mean we could also lose Instagram, and Snapchat, and probably every other ‘gram and ‘chat (since everything is owned by everything and Facebook is literally everything?) Or will Fuckerbooger just smile and weasel his way through another hearing while bemoaning his sad, lonely existence — all while delivering rapid-fire Aaron Sorkin dialogue in a darkly stylized room featuring hints of saturated magenta? Will the Adonis-torsoed Winklevoss twins bust into the Congressional hearing in nothing but their rowing gear and claim that they’re the real victims of all this?

The Social Network Rowing Gif By Gif - Find & Share on GIPHY

Until Zuck’s hearing begins at 2:15 p.m., we can only wonder.

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