And The Oscar Winners Are: ‘Shape Of Water,’ ‘3 Billboards,’ Inclusivity


Here are the winners of this year’s Oscars:

  • Grinding Nemo (a.k.a. The Shape of Water), for winning four awards.
  • Mexico, for producing winners Guillermo del Toro and Coco.
  • The costume designer for Phantom Thread, who won a jet ski for having the night’s shortest acceptance speech.
  • This year’s PricewaterhouseCoopers accountants, for successfully differentiating between a Best Actress and a Best Picture envelope.
  • Faye Dunaway and Warren Beatty, for nailing their second chance at their one job.

Everyone who rightfully pointed out the irony of accused rapist Kobe Bryant winning an Oscar (for Dear Basketball) in a ceremony that championed the #MeToo movement. Ditto for those who noted Best Actor winner Gary Oldman’s history of domestic abuse.

  • Frances McDormand, who won “Best Speech” in addition to Best Actress (her second!) when she asked every female nominee in the room to stand up with her.
  • The stage’s super-extra geode arc made of 45 million Swarovski crystals — every one of which represented “humility.”
  • Tiffany Haddish, for being this year’s least boring presenter.
  • The telecast producers, who cut to Timothee Chalamet’s face when Tiffany Haddish was talking about white people.
  • Adam Rippon, who went to the Oscars dressed like the ex-girlfriend of Christian Grey.
  • Daniela Vega, who became the first openly trans person to ever present at the Oscars.
  • Whoever pointed out that Meryl Streep looked like the fairy godmother from Shrek.
  • Christopher Plummer, for staying alive long enough to make it to the ceremony and subsequently become the oldest Oscar nominee ever.
  • Sufjan Stevens, who made metaphorical panties drop with his striped, embroidered military jacket, despite not having as showy a performance as the “This Is Me” people.
  • Screenwriter winners Jordan Peele and James Ivory, the former of whom became history’s first black Original Screenplay winner, and the latter of whom became history’s oldest Oscar recipient ever. (Also, the openly gay Ivory, who won for Call Me By Your Name, wore a shirt with Timothee Chalamet’s face on it!)
  • Host Jimmy Kimmel, who gave shout-outs to the pay gap in Hollywood, the dearth of women directors, and Hollywood whitewashing — among other issues designed to strike fear in the hearts of Republicans.


  • Honorable mention #1: Every movie that came out in 2017. Seriously, it felt like everyone got a piece of the pie this year – which is probably the only element of populism that snuck its way into the ceremony.
  • Honorable mention #2: The below quotes.
  1. “When you took a dookie in the street in Bridesmaids, it changed my life.” – Tiffany Haddish to Maya Rudolph
  2. “Armie Hammer was born when a witch put a curse on a Ken doll.” – Jimmy Kimmel
  3. “Oscar is 90 years old tonight, which means he’s probably at home right now watching Fox News.” – Jimmy Kimmel
  4. “We don’t make movies like Call Me By your Name to make money. We make them to upset Mike Pence.” – Jimmy Kimmel
  5. “There are so many movies with different points of view that are making a ton of money. Don’t do that just because it’s better for society, and representation, even though it is. Do it because you’ll get rich.” – Kumail Nanjiani
  6. “Do you have any pot?” – Jimmy Kimmel to Steven Spielberg
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One Response to “And The Oscar Winners Are: ‘Shape Of Water,’ ‘3 Billboards,’ Inclusivity”

  1. minilancelot

    After hearing about the homophobic, transphobic comments of the Mayor and counsel in Merritt, it really bothered me that these “rusty old “adults wouldn”t embrace inclusivity in their community, especially when it was coming directly from students. Then, I heard that some rational residents in the community were offering their parking lots to these amazing students, do pursue their inclusive, supportive project of painting their rainbow. I am a 45 year old, straight, white male, but I applaud these young people! They are soon to be voters, and I have faith that they will “vote out these out-dated thinking people, and usher in a more progressive, accepting, community where diversity is embraced and celebrated.