This week’s episode of RuPaul’s Drag Race blessed us with an exclusive sneak “peak” of Olympus Mons is Burning, the sequel to Paris is Burning that will take place on Mars in 100 years. Oh, FYI, Olympus Mons is an enormous shield volcano on Mars —the largest in the entire solar system. You would know this if the American public school system hadn’t failed you — unlike Monet X Change, who believes strongly that America founded Britain.
Monet’s “unitarded” comment wasn’t even the wildest moment of this week’s ep, which featured guest judges Logan Browning (Dear White People) and Tisha Campbell-Martin (Martin, Little Shop of Horrors), a photobombing mini-challenge, and an interminable climate change ball that took almost as long as it will take Republicans to notice global warming.
So, with no further adouche, here are the Tops and Bottoms from this week’s trip to Planet Glitteris.
Aquaria – We are begrudgingly labeling Aquaria as a Top this week, and only because she finally learned to shut the fuck up and look pretty. She didn’t become Instafamous because of her captions.
RuPaul’s Maxi Challenge look and wordplay – Mother had some excellent quips: “Take me to your crafts table.” “Houston, we have a peplum.” “Oh good, they have a Studio 54 in space.” Also, we died every time a queen claimed “Ru was loving my look” and the camera cut to Ru staring impassively.
Kameron Michaels – Her boobs looked amahzing and her “melting ice realness” look was the most beautiful thing that has ever been associated with dying polar bears.
Monet X Change – This queen’s lip sync was one of the best ever. From the ‘tude to the mask gag to the fake death drop to the real death drop, this performance was a total gas (planet.) Plus, her “Miami Summer” look was like if the Night King from Game of Thrones finally came out as a bottom.
Dusty Ray Bottoms – Your signature dots and your “Jem and the Holograms” take on drag will go down in herstory. Also, you were the cutest out of drag. Now, if only your lip sync could have been more Minaj than Mame.
Miz Cracker – We weren’t blown away by this week’s looks (though she WAS “werkin’ that merkin.) There’s no doubt that RuPaul’s decision to position Cracker in the Top 2 with Aquaria was more a reminder of their feud than a commentary on Cracker’s creative output this week.
The Vixen – We were a “fan” of her Alaska Summer look, but Miss Firestarter was sleeping on the job this week. Where was the heat?? Where was all that reality TV-ready drama that got her hired in the first place? That climate change ball could have been way less of a snooze if only she had interrupted it to literally set one of the other queens on fire. Why has no one on this show been set on fire yet??
Blair St. Clair – This queen’s pin-up looks are cute, and she has legs for daze, but she needs a singing challenge stat to make us realize she’s not just a bitchy Boy Scout.
Asia O’Hara – Girl, you’re not Mother Theresa. Mother Theresa never looked that ratchet!
Eureka, Mayhem Miller, and Monique Heart – SAFE. SAFE = DEAD. Seriously, ladies, get your shit together. This isn’t RuPaul’s Best Friend Race! (Sorry, we’re only making that joke in honor of it being mentioned for the 500,000th time on this week’s episode. P.S. If Lashauwn Beyond gets invited onto All Stars 4 simply due to the fact that her catchphrase has been run into the ground, we’re done.