2 Dirrty: Christina Aguilera’s Latest Is Return To Filthy Pop

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It’s tempting to think that Christina Aguilera’s new single “Accelerate” is about having wealth, fame, and getting hammered. There are lyrics about having “moola” and “power” and “[getting] it how we want it,” and a metaphor about getting shot up with adrenaline. Plus, every media outlet on the Internet seems to think it’s about those things.

But we are not every media outlet on the Internet. “Accelerate” is definitely just about getting f##ked in a club and then going home to get f##ked some more, and then having semen sprayed dumped on your face.

How do we know this? Because we watched the video. And listened to the lyrics. And we’re dirty trashy sluts who probably are what this song is about.

In addition to incorporating bisexual lighting, the video stars Xtina flashing her tetas and lapping up a white milky substance that drips down her chin. She also has a bucket of viscous, semen-like goo dumped all over her face. She also spends a lot of the video cooing and groaning and sighing and moaning, and licking her glitter lips in extreme close-ups that will remind many straight dudes of their last blowjob. (Truly, queer male readers, proceed with caution: You may feel assaulted by this video.) In any case, this video is definitely more Dirrty than Back to Basics.

And that’s not even to mention the chorus, which will have many of you fondly recalling your last public bathroom hookup. On it, Xtina and Ty Dolla $ign sing, “Accelerate, c’mon babe, pick up your speed / Stamina, fill me up, that’s what I need / Another shot, you comin’ home with me.” Um, sure, Xtina: You’re getting up filled up with STAMINA. Also, WHAT exactly is accelerating? It’s definitely a penis, y’all.

Thus, according to our interpretation, “Accelerate” is about Xtina getting f##ked in a bathroom before “comin’ home with” her sex partner and then busting out her “sex drive” like “NASCAR.” Oh, and then she gets semen sprayed all over her face.

If y’all disagree, we’re happy to argue this very important point. But think about it: Xtina’s new album, titled Liberation, is due out June 15 — and what else could she possibly be liberating other than her vagina?

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