Betsy DeVos Visits Parkland, Pets Dog, Chats With 3 People, Avoids Questions

Featured, Politics  

U.S. Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos flew out of her cave again Wednesday morning to descend upon Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School and leave a trail of DeVostation in her wake. Unfortunately for her, those Parkland kids were already lined up with Twitter fingers at the ready.

“Betsy Devos came to my school, talked to three people, and pet a dog,” wrote one survivor named Alanna, after DeVos failed to act on her promise of speaking to students. “This is incase [sic] the press tries to say something else later.”

DeVos had originally planned to visit the school to “be with” the students who survived the recent Valentine’s Day mass shooting. Of course, this probably just meant she planned to lurk around a corner and silently observe them in order to learn how human teenagers act. (“Are they friendly toward humanoid adults?” she wondered. “Will they flee if I approach them?”)

However, when DeVos ended a press event after eight minutes in order to dodge questions about arming teachers, students immediately exposed DeVos’ lack of commitment to progress.

“Do something unexpected: answer our questions,” tweeted Aly Sheehy. “You came to our school just for publicity and avoided our questions for the 90 minutes you were actually here. How about you actually do your job? #neveragain #DoYourJob.”

This all begs the question: Did DeVos ever even pet a dog? Or did she just say that she did, so that she would appear more like an actual human — and less like a child-eating vampire? Does Betsy DeVos even know what a “dog” is? Or did she just flip through her flashcards of “Things Humans Like” that morning and memorize the first word she saw?

Anyway, she must have lost her “Thoughts & Prayers” card, because she totally forgot to namedrop that one while she was there.

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