Casual Arm Touch Leads To Conservative Republican Gay Panic

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Hide your kids, hide your wife, and hide your husband, cuz gay guys are touching EVERYBODY’S arms out here. A Republican lawmaker in Pennsylvania just had a full-on mental break on Tuesday after a fellow male lawmaker, Democrat Rep. Matt Bradford, gently touched his arm to drive home a point.

The conservative guy, Rep. Daryl Metcalfe, instantly felt that the best way to quash any subsequent rumors about his sexuality would be to tell everyone at the table that he was heterosexual.

Female rep rocking blue power blazer truly can’t believe the ridiculous over-reaction, either.

“Representative Bradford,” Metcalfe said after the violent arm-rape. “Look, I’m a heterosexual. I have a wife, I love my wife. I don’t like men, as you might. But stop touching me all the time.”

Bradford, for the record, is married to a heterosexual woman and has four kids, but that’s not really the issue here.

Metcalfe continued: “It’s like, keep your hands to yourself. Like, if you want to touch somebody, you have people on your side of the aisle that might like it. I don’t.”

Ok. FIRST OF ALL, if either of these men were actually gay, then they’d know that the initial stage of the Gay Mating Ritual is much more complex than a simple arm-touching. If gay guys fucked every person who touched our arms, then we’d be too busy to write the world’s most beloved musicals.

Second, when has being a heterosexual married man stopped any Republican from having gay sex before?


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