greitens

‘Family Values’ Republican Governor Greitens Indicted On Revenge Porn Scheme

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Today, in What Else Is New, another “family values” Republican is being accused of being a corrupt douchebag.

Admitted adulterer Eric Greitens, ak.a. the Governor of Missouri, was indicted Thursday on a felony charge of invasion of privacy for using an ex mistress’s nude pic against her as blackmail.

That sound you just heard is millions of newly single people shitting their pants over the possibility of being indicted for felony invasion of privacy.

In a statement on the indictment, the circuit attorney for St. Louis, Kimberly Gardner, said she pledged to “hold public officials accountable in the same manner as any other resident,” before adding in her head, “especially this piece of shit.”

An Editor-at-Large at CNN predicted today that Greitens will not weather this latest controversy, despite Greitens skating through his initial affair scandal with nary a scratch. (Unlike Mirai Nagasu in the women’s figure skating competition, heyo!)

The analyst, Chris Cillizza, explained that Greitens’ fellow Republicans would now have to speak out against the indictment, and since they already gave him the cold shoulder during his initial scandal, they’ll probably flat out tell him “bye bitch” this time around. So that’s cool that the Republican Party is pretending to take the moral high ground these days. What a coincidence that the midterm elections are coming up.

Or as Cillizza put it more delicately:

“Given Missouri’s clear Republican lean — and the seriousness of the charge Greitens is facing — it’s possible that Republicans in the state (and nationally) will decide to cut bait on the incumbent rather than risk badly tarnishing the party’s brand.”

Here’s what went down: shortly after taking office in January 2017, Greitens admitted to having had an affair with his hairdresser. A local TV station obtained a recording from the mistress saying Greitens attempted to blackmail her with a nude photo he took without her knowledge or consent. Yes, people we are talking about revenge porn.

Seriously, though, it’s not looking good for the dude. The Democratic Governors Association called for Greitens to resign, and Missouri House Speaker Todd Richardson has announced that Missouri is investigating “whether or not the governor can lead our state while a felony case moves forward.”

Our sources tell us that if Greitens were to resign over being a lying, sexist, hypocrite, he would be the 5,000th Republican to do so.

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