The queens of All Stars 3 have sailed through yet another lackluster week. Trixie finally made nice with Shangela by helping her avoid serious bodily injury on the sewing machine, and Bebe finally secured a win by shouting “Camarooooooon” and not hot gluing a giant record to her face. We also welcomed Trixie’s second place finish, which is further proof that she’s actually a sleeper spy who’s playing the long game. All she needed was her Bottom 3 finish last week to activate her and kick her into high gear. She might as well have “May Cause Death” scrolled across her forehead at this point.
However, Trixie’s sewing assistance didn’t do as much to help Shangela as Aja’s assistance helped Bebe, because while Bebe came out of the Studio 54 maxi challenge looking like a “homosexual carwash,” Shangela came out of it looking like a homosexual stoplight.
And speaking of Aja helping Bebe, how shady was Bebe’s one-on-one with her? Instead of letting Aja plead her case or remind Bebe that she helped her win, Bebe essentially just pulled the most long-winded “bye bitch” in the history of bye bitches. That ho was all “you’re perfect, you’re beautiful, you brought Linda Evangelista back into the public consciousness … now please don’t draw a dick on the mirror on your way out.”
Still, though, Aja’s time was up the moment she used the word “moist” in her voiceover for the Andy Warhol “soup can challenge.” And she was so confident, too! She was all, “Liza would die for this,” as she fondled her disco dress and blessed the gods for her stunning sewing. But after she called France Jolie “Frances” in the deliberations, we’re not so sure she knew who Liza was either. For all we know of Aja’s knowledge of contemporary pop culture, she could have been mispronouncing “Lisa Kudrow.”
In any case, we have no doubt things would’ve gone differently if Trixie had won the lip sync. While Shangela may have forged a new “Daenerys Targaryen” alliance with Trixie this week, her Studio 54 golden disco dress looked like a fucking Red Wedding. Honestly, Trixie probably had Shangela’s lipstick locked and loaded in her sugar tits, and was ready to Cersei that bitch outta there.
Also, how is caffeinated soup a good idea? Shangela was giving Bebe shit for her peanut nonsense, but Bebe was just trying to selflessly save the starving children of West Africa. Shangela’s soup would’ve given them all heart attacks before they went through puberty. Halleloo!
Anyway, we’re excited to see which of the eliminated queens come back next week as Handmaids — but judging by their height and amount of tattoos, we’re going to guess Aja, Chi Chi, and … Morgan McMichaels? Like, we wouldn’t be surprised if Thorgy was still so salty about her elimination that she just punched Alaska and Chad in the face and bathed in their blood. Could she be the new Phi Phi O’Hara?
Tituss Burgess from Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt and Shay Mitchell (who?) of Pretty Little Liars were guest judges.
Anyway, here are the best quotes of the week:
Ru: “Have you had any Pinot Noir lately?”
Tituss Burgess: “For breakfast.”
Ru: “And by Pinot Noir, I mean ‘black dick.’”
Tituss Burgess: “For breakfast.”
Trixie: “There’s not enough money in the world for me to put tape on my dick”
Ru: “You have a dick?”
Kennedy: “You let this challenge work your ass, and then it kind of, like, spewed a little on stage.”
Trixie on losing to Pearl in Season 7: “Do you know what it’s like to lose a lip sync to a partially sedated twink from Brooklyn?”
Bebe Zahara Benet: “Deli cases”