Being a straight man in Hollywood can be so hard. There are people on all sides complaining about “diversity” and “representation” and “allowing gay actors to play gay roles,” and all you want to do is play gay enough times to win an Oscar.
But alas, dear readers, there’s hope for straight men yet. In a truly inspirational move, Bradley Cooper and Jake Gyllenhaal — both avowed straight men — have decided that if they can’t steal roles from gay men the usual way, they’re just going to have to direct and produce these gay roles themselves.
Reportedly, Cooper and Gyllenhaal will soon be starring in separate biopics that depict the life of famed (and closeted gay) composer Leonard Bernstein. Cooper and Gyllenhaal, of course, will both be playing the musical titan, who is known for scoring West Side Story and directing the New York Philharmonic when he was only 25.
However, Cooper will be directing and producing his movie, titled Bernstein, while Gyllenhaal will be producing his movie, The American, and basing it off a 1994 biography of Bernstein. Gyllenhaal’s movie will be directed by Cary Fukunaga, most recently seen writing the screenplay for It. No word yet on whether The American will show Bernstein attracting his sexual partners by hiding in the sewer and hissing at them.
Now, if this all culminates in an Oscar race between Gyllenhaal and Cooper for the same role, then it might all be worth it — if anything just for the opportunity to see Gyllenhaal and Cooper recount their gay sex experiences on talk shows. But still, you know what would be better than seeing Gyllenhaal and Cooper talk about gay sex? Seeing two actually gay actors talk about gay sex.
Also, can someone explain to us how Hollywood can go decades without a Leonard Bernstein biopic but then suddenly pump out two of them in the same press release? While they’re at it, why not a THIRD biopic starring the chameleonic SNL star, drag king extraordinaire Kate McKinnon?