More Human Than Human: Sean Spicer Unveils Melania Waxwork

Featured, Politics  

On Wednesday, former White House paid liar Sean Spicer took a break from being involuntarily retired to reach a new low in his already tragic career: He unveiled a wax figure of Melania Trump at Madame Tussauds’ Wax Museum. Of course, everyone at the unveiling soon realized they had made a huge mistake and that the silent, expressionless woman in front of them was the real Melania and that the wax Melania was currently on Air Force One with Donald Trump. Trump, who has regularly found himself talking to Melania without her moving her face in any recognizably human way, did not immediately notice.

“But I could have just lived in this museum forever and never had to touch my husband again!” Melania cried, as they forcefully removed her from the exhibit. At this point, Sean Spicer developed a familiar gleam in his eye and proudly announced, “That was the most successful unveiling of a Madame Tussauds wax figure, period,” before accidentally revealing the country’s nuclear codes.

We kid, we kid. But still, it’s impossible to ignore that this wax figure of Melania looks more lifelike than the real thing. The real shocker, though, is that the figure stands in the museum’s “World Leaders Hall,” which prominently features such transformative black leaders as Nelson Mandela and Malcolm X — whereas Melania, on the other hand, is the trophy wife of a white supremacist. The only accurate part of this exhibit is that Melania Trump is not actively contributing to society in any measurable way.

However, the best part about all of this is that Melania’s wax figure will apparently have its own Twitter account so that visitors can submit messages to it that “Melania” will then tweet out — thus “giving Melania a voice,” which is the theme of the exhibit. Y’all, this seems like a prime opportunity to force “Melania” to subtweet her husband 500 times a day. (“@realDonaldTrump your Iran plan is as unsatisfying as our sex last night,” “@realDonaldTrump those penis enlargement emails I’ve sent you aren’t a hint; they’re an ultimatum.”) Let the games begin.

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