Michael Wolff’s sensational political tell-all Fire and Fury is heading to television, which means that Trump might finally win that Emmy he’s been chasing after. (Well, someone playing Trump will win an Emmy. Trump presumably has been uninvited from the Emmys for life.)
While the series does not yet have a network or production schedule, we do know that it will be executive produced by documentary producer Michael Jackson, as well as by Wolff himself. While the presence of Jackson suggests that this adaptation will be a docudrama, the inclusion of Wolff is more promising. Wolff’s writing in Fire and Fury is quite cinematic — even if not always factually accurate — which could mean Wolff will cook up a dramatized potboiler a la 2012’s Game Change.
That being said, we’ve come up with a dream cast of Hollywood heavyweights (as well as some left field choices) to portray the major players of Fire and Fury.
Jared Kushner – Tilda Swinton
We’re not entirely convinced that the fey, waxen Jared Kushner is totally human. Who better to play him than actual alien Tilda Swinton? Somewhere behind Kushner’s dead, pink-rimmed eyes and sallow skin is a repressed, complicated character just waiting to be mined by Swinton for another Best Supporting Actress Oscar. This casting choice works doubly well since Kushner “accidentally” registered as a woman in the state of New York.
Ivanka Trump – January Jones
While Jones isn’t a perfect lookalike, she seems to have the same chronic condition as Trump. Ivanka is becoming increasingly icy and robotic in her interviews and public appearances — just like Jones in all of her performances since Mad Men.
As for her part in Fire and Fury, Ivanka at one point hints that she wants to be the country’s first female President. (Shudder. Please no.)
Steve Bannon – Rosie O’Donnell
Rosie is back to acting with her role in SMILF, so this could be the next stop on her comeback tour. O’Donnell already had massive support on Twitter for stepping into this role, but Lorne Michaels reportedly nixed the idea because, “When you’re playing a character, you can’t play it from hate.” That’s pretty LOL-worthy, considering SNL’s obvious liberal, hateful approach to tackling the Trump administration. But we would love to see O’Donnell as Bannon gossiping to anyone who’ll listen about his frenemies’ “treasonous” meetings with Russian agents.
Mike Pence – Kevin Spacey
While we are not inclined to give any more roles to Kevin Spacey ever, this is just too obvious a connection. While Spacey is out of the closet now, we must not forget that he spent most of his life deep inside it — just like Pence is rumored to have done. Plus, they both possess naturally unsettling voices.
KellyAnne Conway – Meg Ryan
KellyAnne Conway pops up in Fire and Fury from time to time, and we hate to say it, but her closest doppelganger is probably Present Day Meg Ryan. Or the kitchen witch hanging in your Aunt Sally’s home.
Hope Hicks – Brooke Shields
White House Communications Director Hope Hicks appears in Fire and Fury to gossip with Kellyanne, and seriously, is Hope Hicks actually Brooke Shields’ secret love child?
Eric Trump – Ratboy
Let’s bring back “Ratboy” from the cult film directed by Sondra Locke (Clint Eastwood’s longtime partner). The movie was a critical and commercial hit in Europe, but disappeared in America. Ratboy has Eric’s physical attributes down: beady eyes, massive overbite hiding hideous teeth, pinched cranial features.
Donald Trump, Jr. – Nic Cage
Nic Cage is an actor in need of a comeback and we have a feeling that the upcoming B horror movie Mom and Dad isn’t going to do it for him. And sure, he’s waaaaaay too old for the part, but Cage has the right ’80s villain look, dull eyes, and glibness to successfully pass as DT Jr. He’s also pretty unpredictable, which is the exact kind of personality you’d associate with someone who is willing to tweet out email chains incriminating his entire family.
Jeff Sessions – Kate McKinnon, obviously
Paul Ryan and Mitch McConnell – puppets
Ryan and McConnell will both be played by muppets, since they are spineless and will only say and do whatever someone else tells them to. Also, Ryan and McConnell look, respectively, like Walter from The Muppets and Yertle the Turtle from The Wubbulous World of Dr. Seuss.
Robert Mueller – Sam Waterston’s character from Law and Order
While Fire and Fury does not cover Mueller’s investigation, it does cover the time during which Mueller was beginning to hone in on certain White House targets. We’d love to see the similarly law-and-ordery Waterston and his bushy eyebrows appear in a series of horror movie-esque jump scares to scare every character shitless.
Melania Trump – Melania’s Body Double, Melanoma
Melanoma has been waiting patiently for a moment in the spotlight, and now may finally be her time to shine. While she is already known across southeastern Europe for her prowess in competitive jump-roping, she has also recently revealed a knack for acting. On more than one occasion, Melanoma has had to step in and pretend to be Melania during important exchanges with international political leaders. While her delivery of lines like, “Yes, your Regency, we would be happy to wife swap with you,” is a little robotic, that’s perfect for this role.
Donald J. Trump – Meryl Streep
What CAN’T Streep do? On the verge of her 475 Oscar nomination, this time for The Post, Streep’s already done an incredible Trump impersonation at a Public Theater benefit. Having a female member of the Hollywood elite portray him on film would surely send Drumpf even further over the edge. Is that even possible?