By Evan Lambert
If you’ve seen or heard of God’s Own Country, which recently opened in limited release, you’ll understand why audiences are dubbing it “The British Brokeback Mountain.” As I wrote in my review of the film, “There’s homoerotic wrestling, a gay roll in the hay during a two-person herding mission, a memorable moment involving saliva and an asshole, sweeping hilly vistas, minimal dialogue, a long and wistful sniff of random clothing, and about a million unexplained sheep.” Sounds familiar, right?
There is, of course, one major difference, besides the contemporary setting in Yorkshire, England: No one fucking dies. It’s amazing.
Now, I want to feel those feels again without paying 15 more dollars, so I’ve decided to write some more versions of Brokeback Mountain in which none of the main characters die. If these don’t make you feel something, then your soul is beyond repair.
Two men — one straight, one played by Sean Hayes — meet by chance on Leg Day. But when they find themselves on an unsupervised trip to the free weights, things change forever. (They have sex in the sauna.) They never learn each other’s names, and they never think about each other again. There’s a beautiful close-up shot of the straight guy sniffing a jock strap. It’s Laundry Day, and he’s trying to figure out if it’s used.
- Mount Hollywood
Two broey hetero tourists from Nebraska find themselves at Griffith Observatory when their girlfriends decide they want a selfie in front of the Hollywood sign. They decide to have some “guy time” and split off from the women, but as they wind their way up Mount Hollywood, they realize they didn’t bring water, food, or proper footwear. They’ve also never been over 800 feet above sea level or been on a mountain or seen a mountain or left Nebraska. They eventually pass out from dehydration, and after they wake up later to find their limbs entwined, they spend the rest of their lives wondering if they did something gay.
- Central Park Dirt Mound
Two ex-cons doing mandatory community service meet one beautiful summer day when they’re assigned to clean up condoms from a random dirt mound in Central Park. When the giant alien monster from Cloverfield attacks Manhattan, they take shelter in Belvedere Castle and give in to the homosexual longings they’ve kept at bay for their entire lives. When they emerge the next morning, victorious and liberated, no one cares that they’re gay because everyone is dead. They move to Key West.
- Brokeback Mountain But Better
Jack Twist and Ennis Del Mar still go their separate ways, but Jack lives on to become a successful Postmodernist poet who is respected by his peers. He and Ennis reconnect years later when Ennis, who is still an alcoholic dick, attends one of Jack’s NYC book signings and asks for a beer and a quick fuck before spitting on the ground for no reason and farting in a child’s face. Jack is strongly attracted to him. But then, after a beat, our boy Jack pulls himself together and is all like, “You know what? I have a new boo who treats me right, never comes first, and even takes me out to dinner every once in a while. Guess I just quit you, Ennis Del Mar.” Then he snaps in a Z formation, walks off into the sunset, and the movie wins the Oscar for Best Picture.