There’s a trailer out for Luca Guadagnino’s new movie Suspiria, and it’s nothing short of horrific: Armie Hammer is nowhere to be seen, and everyone is wearing a shirt.
Suspiria, an homage to the 1977 horror film of the same name, stars Dakota Johnson as an uptight dancer with pallid skin, a high forehead, and a tight strawberry blonde braid. Basically, she looks like a sad virgin who churns butter for her uncle behind a Topeka, Kansas general store.
But despite being set in the very homosexual world of dance, Suspiria features no symptoms of the debilitating Male Shirtlessness Epidemic that affected the characters of Call Me By Your Name.
Instead, it seems to feature — judging by the trailer — creepy judgmental garden club members, an elderly man on an audio tour, and the alien formerly known as Tilda Swinton. There’s also a gaggle of elderly ladies skipping happily through the forest, like if the Golden Girls decided to trip on ‘shrooms.
We’re obviously approaching this from the perspective of someone who hasn’t seen this iteration of the movie (we don’t want to spoil it), but we can say that Suspiria is set at a world-renowned dance company with lots of dark secrets. Basically, it’s Black Swan without the lesbian stuff. Maybe. Or, considering the number of mysterious symbols in the trailer, it’s The Da Vinci Code but with more dance, much less Tom Hanks.
Suspiria reportedly made film critics poop their pants when its first scenes debuted at CinemaCon earlier this year — and a number of recently released posters feature ominous taglines like “Give Your Soul to the Dance.” Thus, we can likely expect a real creepfest. But to be fair, the phrase “Give Your Soul to the Dance” is also probably the same thing they tell backup dancers when they’re about to go on tour with Beyonce.