Breaking: Two very attractive male actors will be making out on a movie screen near you.
Technically, the actual news is that Zachary Quinto and J.J. Abrams are teaming up to produce a biopic called Tab & Tony about the secret romance between legendary screen hotties Tab Hunter and Anthony Perkins, but we heard the other thing instead.
Tab & Tony will be an adaptation of Hunter’s 2005 memoir, Tab Hunter Confidential, which chronicled his struggle with being a closeted gay man in the 1950s. We imagine that wasn’t great.
Hunter was Warner Brothers’ most popular male star from the mid- to late 1950s, and was known for his dreamy boy-next-door persona. However, the stress of hiding his sexual orientation and maintaining a fake public relationship with Natalie Wood led him to a great deal of internal strife. Perkins, on the other hand, was mostly known for his memorable turn as Norman Bates in Psycho.
In honor of this news, we have made some potential casting choices for the roles of Sexy Gay Make-out Participants #1 and #2 — er, sorry, we meant “Tab Hunter” and “Anthony Perkins.” This is simply to selflessly help with the casting process, and definitely not to give ourselves some spank bank material.
Jonathan Groff as Hunter and Darren Criss as Perkins — Criss has already built a career on queerbaiting and playing gay. Plus they were both on Glee! And Groff, like Hunter, can sing.
Colton Haynes as Hunter and Charlie Carver as Perkins — This wouldn’t be too much of a stretch. After all, these two have already made out on Teen Wolf. Or did we just have a dream in which that happened? We haven’t actually watched the show. What is it about again? In any case, these two are our top choices since they’re hot, and gay, in real life.
Armie Hammer as Hunter and Timothee Chalamet as Perkins — These two secretly want to make out again. We all know it.
Chris Hemsworth and Luke Hemsworth in either, or any, combination — What?? How did these two get on here?? This isn’t some sick fantasy we had! No, definitely not! What a disgusting idea!! **begins composing email begging studio to cast them*
Tom Holland as Hunter and Andrew Garfield as Perkins — Just your friendly, neighborhood gay-for-pay actors with no nudity clauses.
Chace Crawford as Hunter and Connor Paolo as Perkins — Will these two finally fulfill the fantasy we’ve all had since they were on Gossip Girl together? Only time will tell. XOXO, Flagrant.