Trumpster Fire Claims Another, House Speaker Paul Ryan Retiring


Sensing that the American poor would soon have no more money left for him to steal, Speaker of the House Paul Ryan announced Wednesday that he would not seek re-election in November. The announcement came mere days after the revelation that America would soon be $1 trillion in debt, meaning working class Americans would soon have to pay for that instead of Ryan’s new Ferrari.

Ryan insisted he would leave “this majority in good hands with … a very bright future,” while likely sailing away on his private yacht which he had bought once he realized his indifference to climate change would make buying a boat mandatory.

Ultimately, Ryan’s announcement served as the half-bitten maraschino cherry on top of a disappointing career marked by phoniness and thirst trap photo shoots in TIME. The former vice presidential nominee had once staked his professional reputation on a willingness to be “geeky” about the nation’s budget, but eventually contradicted this claim by burying America under the largest pile of debt that it had ever seen since before the invention of debt. In fact, Paul Ryan’s financial policies were probably what invented debt.

Pump and dump. Outgoing House Speaker AND P90X proponent Paul Ryan.

Ryan’s announcement also seemed to signal that the Republican Party would no longer have a sure majority in Congress come November — which is in large part due to Ryan’s very geeky decision to sit back and smile as Donald Trump ran the country into the ground and declared war on everyone but Antarctica. Trump reportedly had a nickname for Ryan, “Boy Scout.” Ain’t that sweet?

Of course, we all could have seen this disaster coming merely by looking just once past Ryan’s heavily veneered teeth and perfect biceps to realize that he had never had any real connection to or empathy for the American public. But how could we have noticed his hand pickpocketing our wallets when the arm controlling it was so expertly toned? This is our own damn faults, America — our own damn thirsty faults. Hey, where’d our wallet go?

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