Look at us. Look at us, goddamnit! We are not fucking walking out and saying fuck all of y’all. That’s disrespectful to each of you. We are sitting down and writing this goddamned Ru-cap because SOMEONE needs to be talking about Kameron Michaels’ bullshit. Also, we finally got a Walk-Off!!
For a season that was mostly boring AF after The Vixen vacated the contest, this Ru-union had a lot of fucking drama. In addition to RuPaul giving a wise, empowering speech about personal responsibility after The Vixen staged a childish meltdown, we saw Eureka dressed up as a person who had just eaten Cinderella and then put on her dress. Add to that Blair St. Clair’s alcoholism, Kameron Michaels’ villainy, Vanjie’s “intercourzing,” and Kalorie Karbdashian Williams eating popcorn out of a Ziploc bag, and we had a tough time figuring out who “won” this reunion. But we have some guesses:
The Vixen – We’re here for her plight but not for her fight. She needs to sit down and tease her hair, bitch, because no one is going to take her seriously after she just pulled a Danielle Staub from Real Housewives of New Jersey. But we LOL’d at this deadpanned line from Ru about Vixen’s Untucked meltdown: “You said a little more than: ‘Go have your cigarette.’”
Kameron Michaels – This ru-union just confirmed what Ru has been hinting at all season: Kameron is only quiet because she hates everyone. She managed to make it far in this competition, despite being a weak link, because of her introversion — but her expressive misanthropy on social media has proven that she’s a bitter ice queen. Also, there is no way in hell she was not a professional drag queen before this show. Like, with THOSE expensive ass outfits? And THOSE lip syncing skills? Nah gurl. If she wins the Lip Sync Competition next week, we’re moving to Canada. Also, she was dressed like one of the Real Housewives of Valhalla.
Mayhem Miller – Her decision to call out Aquaria and Asia for trashing her on Untucked quickly blew up in her face. But we love how Aquaria and Asia defended themselves by saying that they only trashed Mayhem because of how much she sucked.
Yuhua Hamasaki – Isn’t it still appropriation if you’re a Chinese queen with a Japanese name who dresses up like Samara, a Japanese pop culture figure? Anyway, she only said like one thing.
Miz Cracker – She didn’t say much and she was wearing Spanx, so basically we just can’t wait to see her on All Stars.
Miss Vanjie, Miss Vanjie, Miss Vanjie – She is ICONIC.
Kalorie – She brought popcorn in a Ziploc!! But her verbal friend request that she sent to Kameron was thirsty AF.
Monique Heart – Her Bible quoting was incomprehensible, but her hilarious “Here for the Comments” purse got her message across loud and clear.
Dusty Ray Bottoms – If Ru’s speech about life being hard was 2018 in a nutshell, then Dusty Ray’s heartbreaking speech about conversion therapy was 2016 AF.
Blair St. Clair – Watching her admit to being an alcoholic was like watching an intervention for a twelve-year-old, but at least she has a storyline now. Hopefully the rumor that she’ll be back for All Stars is true.
Asia O’Hara – She is the queen of the empaths. And damn, she had balls for standing up to none other than Ru Fucking Paul! How does she manage to tuck those back?
Aquaria’s outfit – Brown cow. Stunning!
Eureka – She won her fight with The Vixen by, er, telling the truth, but she also got a much needed lesson in responsibility from Mother Ru: “[Patience] is not something you have to work on. It’s just something you have to do.”
Monet X Change – She won this entire fucking reunion when she compared drag to being a Megazord.
The image of Yuhua Hamasaki tucking her balls behind a garbage can – Happy Friday!