In fifty years, when scientists and anthropologists investigate the big philosophical and metaphysical hallmarks of early 21st century culture, we hope that one of the questions they ask is: Do I have big dick energy?
You see, the new acceptable term for “swag,” “alpha,” “like a boss,” “legit,” “queen,” “slaying,” “hype,” et al, is … “big dick energy.” Essentially, it just means you have confident and attitude-y vibes, bro. And it applies to only the most confident-y and attitude-y peeps. Ya dig?
For example, a person with “big dick energy” would not say, “Ya dig?” They would say, “I don’t care if you understand, because I am your God now.”
According to the Internet, this all started when Ariana Grande bragged about Pete Davidson’s Big Gulp-sized genitalia on Twitter (not a terrific reason to marry someone, but OK), and Twitter-users started saying things along the lines of, “Oh ya, he seems like someone with big dick energy.”
This led to a larger and more fruitful discussion of the underpinnings of big dickedness, and what that entails.
“Big dick energy does not care for your pathetic gender binary and will not pander to it,” wrote Vice. “Cate Blanchett simply standing there smirking, but, like, only using her eyes somehow? Powerful, powerful dick energy.”
(We agree, for the record.)
But what we here at Flagrant would like to know is: Must one ALWAYS have big dick energy? Can’t someone switch back and forth between big dick energy and small dick energy, like a porn star in between fluffings?
And who has small dick energy, besides Donald Trump and his entire administration?
Does Iron Man have big dick energy? (Yes.)
Does Captain America? (No.)
Does Black Widow? (No.)
Does Shuri in Black Panther? (Yes.)
Does the peach in Call Me By Your Name? (Hell fucking yes.)