In the latest indication that the Trump administration is actually just the creation of an amateur writer penning a 1984 knockoff, Bloomberg Law just reported that a mysterious government organization with an unnecessarily unwieldy name is now monitoring hundreds of thousands of news outlets and bloggers across the country. In unrelated news, a second cursor just appeared on our screen and is opening up folders at random. Weird.
The organization, called the National Protection and Programs Directorate (accompanied by the equally unwieldy acronym NPPD), is “seeking a contractor that can help it monitor traditional news sources as well as social media, and identify ‘any and all’ coverage related to the agency or a particular event.” Huh, our second cursor just opened Microsoft Paint and scrawled a message in black pen that says “Cease All Operations.” What a rambunctious virus!
The organization, which was created under a directive to eradicate “fake news,” will reportedly collect information on publications’ “sentiment,” geographical spread, use of graphics, momentum, and top users. Oh, v cool: The digital billboard across the street just flashed the Flagrant logo with a red X through it and a message saying “Kill All Readers.” Welp, any press is good press, right?!
Interestingly, the NPPD is headed by the Under Secretary of Homeland Security for National Protection and Programs — a position that has been vacant since 2017. So perhaps the NPPD is instead being run by a shadow employer, or by the strange men in black SWAT suits who just busted down our door.
Responding to Bloomberg’s coverage, Forbes addressed the NPPD directive as “enough to cause nightmares of constitutional proportions, particularly as the afaiufbeafefiaufbiauaguh
READERS OF FLAGRANT, THIS IS THE NPPD. YOUR LEADER IS DEAD. YOU WILL BE NEXT. STARTING [APRIL 8, 2018], THIS WILL BECOME A SITE OF CAT VIDEOS.
HAVE A BLESSED DAY.