Donald Trump must have had a falling out with his personal doctor, Dr. Harold Bornstein, because Bornstein is now revealing that he did not, in fact, draft that letter about Trump’s health that Trump released to the press in 2015. You may recall that the letter claimed Trump would be “the healthiest” President in history, before adding that he had a “terrific” penis and “tremendous” stream and that it was so “Sad!” that Hillary Clinton was suffering from “59 different forms of cancer.” (He edited out all but the “healthiest” part when writing the final draft.)
“He dictated that whole letter. I didn’t write that letter,” Bornstein told CNN about the letter that Trump dictated while experiencing total organ failure and bleeding out through his anus. “I just made it up as I went along.”
“You traitor!” Trump presumably screamed in his bedroom this morning after seeing the news, before becoming paralyzed by a coughing fit that temporarily misplaced his kidneys. “I trusted you!”
Trump, of course, has lied 3,001 times throughout his time as President, and has resorted to telling almost nine lies a day in recent months — and that’s not including the lies he tells in private. (“Daddy has a lot of work to do today and definitely not nine hours of watching Fox & Friends reruns,” said Donny to his son Barron just yesterday after Barron asked to play “Mock Interview with Robert Mueller” again.)
Thankfully, Esquire compiled Trump’s top five whoppers for our reading pleasure — and they include such greatest hits as “we have signed more legislation than anybody” and “the people of Japan drop bowling balls on cars or some shit like that.” Shockingly, they didn’t include “I will be the greatest President of all time,” but that one was just too obvious no doubt. Check out Esquire’s list here.