“Okay, so you’re the Chocolate Judd. That don’t impress me much.”
… is what Shania Twain would have said to Mayhem Miller last night, had she spoken more than eleven words. But unfortunately, the Best Selling Female Country Singer of All Time was largely silent in this week’s episode, much like her strong and silent cunt-ry sister Kameron Michaels. P.S. Did anyone spit out their drink when Kameron Michaels suddenly appeared in a significant confessional? We were starting to assume that she had never even filmed a confessional and that she had just used her allotted time to sit there and stare at one of the producers meaningfully while picking her teeth with a hayseed. In fact, just as a congratulatory nod for overcoming her fear of talking this week, we’re going to label her one of the …
Kameron Michaels – “Look at those Smoky Mountains!” Kameron’s accent and willingness to sniff tucking panties eclipsed her scene partner Monet’s stunning(ly awful) performance in the improv challenge. Unfortunately, Monet didn’t so much as improvise her way through the challenge as she did “just sit there.” But alas, Kameron wasn’t even the true standout this week. That honor goes to:
Miz Cracker – Did you think we were going to say Eureka? Nah, girl. We’d name Cracker as our #1 even if Eureka threatened to have another naked temper tantrum and roll around on the floor for an hour. Cracker’s “brilliant stupidity” as Dr. Dill — a sentient pickle trying desperately to pass as a human — was one of the most entertaining things we’ve ever seen. And we’ve seen a sorority girl shit into a trashcan.
Eureka – She won this week, but she didn’t win our hearts. Her sudden bout of amnesia when discussing Untucked with Vixen was the biggest cop-out we’ve ever seen. Eureka 100% started that fight, and the fact that she wouldn’t own up to that was cowardly. Plus, no well-timed sob story about a tough childhood is going to make up for being a bitch. We all have sob stories, girl. But we also know that there’s a time and place to reveal them: At a staid, important social function where it’s highly inappropriate.
Guest Judge Carrie Preston – She was Arlene on True Blood. She is a living legend.
The Bossy Rossy Audience – Did these people know what they were getting into? Did they know that when they were being invited to watch this week’s Maxi Challenge — the Bossy Rossy talk show — that they were about to see a drag queen pretend to make out with a cactus? Girl, these people get to be Tops this week as consolation for the therapy they will now need.
Monique Heart – “Oh! Brown cow! Stunning!” INSTANT TOP.
Monet X Change – It pains us to put her in the bottom! PAINS US! But even though she turned out another stellar lip sync to “Man! I Feel Like a Woman” — truly the only situation where it’s appropriate to rip off your wig — she BOMBED during the improv. Personality isn’t everything, girl! The formula to success is Personality plus Preparation! Just think “PP!” Like Donald Trump’s PP tape!
The Vixen – She gets points for dropping it like it’s hot in the Military Drag Challenge, but not for doing an Aquaria impression that’s more lifeless than Aquaria.
Asia O’Hara – This week opened with Asia O’Hara going from Miss Congeniality to Miss Cut-a-Bitch in less than sixty seconds. This isn’t RuPaul’s Best Friend … Er … Let’s not use that one again. It’s so played out. Let’s try again: This isn’t RuPaul’s Best … Damn! It really does work for everything!
Mayhem Miller – Girl, we know it’s hard to fake a fear of pickles when you’re around them so much, but that was still some “Supporting Character on a CW Series”-level acting.
Blair St. Clair – We do declare … That we don’t remember a single fucking thing this bitch did this week.
Miss Vanjie – Goddamn you and your mothertucking catchphrase, Miss Vanjie! We have never talked this much about a queen who went home in the first week! In fact, it’s entirely possible that you may have cast a spell on us when you said your name three times that week! We are now doomed to repeat your name every week as punishment for our sins, until the aliens visit us and find us to be a planet full of blank-eyed humans robotically chanting “Miss Vanjie” as you laugh maniacally on your throne of Barbies and declars, “Let them eat hip pads!”
Aquaria – Except for Aquaria. Aquaria’s superhuman self-centeredness makes her immune to the Curse of the Vanjie. She’s safe.