Trumpy Bear: Your Holiday Gag Gift From Hell

Comedy, Featured  

Wondering what to get your brain-dead aunt or closeted Nazi neighbor for Christmas? Look no further than Trumpy Bear, the totally-not-a-joke stuffed bear that is currently making the infomercial rounds on Animal Planet, Discovery Channel, and even Fox News.

Presented in a terrific deadpan, the Trumpy Bear commercial — which surfaced online over the summer before heading to television — promotes a “plus-sized” grizzly with a blonde combover and a an American flag concealed inside a zippered pouch that you can use to “wrap yourself in the red white and blue for comfort and warmth.” It will no doubt appeal to not just liberals who get the irony of a Trumpy Bear that “loves to go to the golf course,” but actual Trump supporters who believe Trumpy Bear will imbue them with limitless patriotism.

Case in point: The commercial begins with a portentous, allegorical monologue that could totally be ripped from the Bible: “The wind whispered through the forest a storm is coming, you can not defeat the storm. From the trees rose a resounding voice, ‘I fear nothing. I come when the Trumpet sounds. I am the Storm.'”

The thing is, we have no idea if that’s in the Bible because we haven’t read the Bible. But neither have a lot of Trump supporters — or Trump, for that matter — so they’ll probably just assume that this obviously hyperbolic quasi-spiritual bullshit is about Jesus or something.

That being said, the rest of the commercial hilariously positions Trump Bear (who was born on “Flag Day”, FYI) as a fluffy panacea for old ladies, biker dudes, former Marines, and even golfers (“Trumpy Bear makes [your] golf game great again.”) If you want one, you just have to make two low payments of $19.95, which honestly sounds worth the privilege of being able to wake up every morning with Trumpy Bear in your bed.

OH and you can also apparently catch a Trumpy Bear commercial if you watch a Hitler documentary, as Michael Urie has pointed out:

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