Oh, Drag Race All-Stars 3. You couldn’t have come sooner.
First of all, that’s what she said, but second of all, Drag Race All Stars 3 is the salve we need right now to heal as a society and remember that life is never really more than a lavish fight to the death between kitty girls.
Last night, Flagrant even welcomed the sight of Aja, who rounded out the bottom of our Power Tops and Bottoms List when we ranked all the queens of All Stars 3 last year. Of course, we’ll have to amend our list now that the star of Off-Broadway’s The Lion King, BeBe Zahara Benet, is on the show, but we still mentally moved Aja from the Bottoms to the Tops after her ball-busting death drop routine in the premiere’s talent showcase. Similarly, Kennedy Davenport reminded us why she is one of the country’s greatest drag performers when she flipped, tumbled, and queefed her way across the stage in a death-defying gymnastics routine that would have McKayla Maroney not just impressed but weeping in a corner and questioning all of her life choices.
Despite Aja’s breakout performance, though, we’re confused as to how she’s supposedly gotten 50,000 new plastic surgeries but still hasn’t figured out how to fix her damn mug. And we still aren’t sold on ChiChi DeVayne’s inclusion on this season, as she doesn’t seem to have picked up any new tricks despite her well-earned fame and fortune. When she pranced onto that stage and twirled her baton in that “neon puke”-colored fringe-laden apron, she looked less like an internationally-beloved drag queen and more like a high school marching band conductor who had been held back for the fifth year in a row.
Even Shangela proved herself worthy of All Stars 3, and didn’t end up the premiere’s Hallelooser. That honor went to Morgan McMichaels (all together now: “Who??!?”), who made the brilliant move of announcing to an entire room of her competitors that she would eliminate any of them if she deemed them too talented. Predictably, this bit her in the tuck when the “terminally delightful” BenDeLaCreme ended up winning the episode and inheriting the power to eliminate either the openly manipulative and self-declared villain Morgan McMichaels, or the naïve and humble ChiChi DeVayne, who finished out her Little Miss Sunshine-esque baton routine with the gap-toothed grin and earnest pride of a five year old who just shit all over the carpet.
Obviously, BenDeLaCreme kicked out Morgan McMichaels, which is kind of a bummer because we’re still not sure who that bitch was. But according to a tease at the end of the episode, this may not be the last we’ve seen of Morgana McNasty. (And by “may not be the last we’ve seen of her,” we mean “this definitely was not the last we’ve seen of her.”)
In addition to all of this Ru-dimentary, Ru-quired elimination drama, we were blessed with some perfect zingers from the All Stars 3 competitors:
Trixie on Aja: “You’re gorgeous, you’re beautiful, you look like Seal.”
Trixie on Kennedy Davenport, who sashayed into the work room at the top of the premiere wearing a wig that looked like an afro being nuked by North Korea: “Kennedy is Chi Chi from the future telling her she’s not going to win All Stars.”
Trixie to herself, after rolling in at the top of the premiere: “I’m the only one here. It’s like a Morgan McMichaels meet and greet.”
Milk on Shangela: “I always thought her name was Angela, and people were telling her to shut up.”
Milk on BenDeLaCreme: “She sort of fell off the face of the Earth for a while. I thought she just grew a beard, ran into the woods, and was sort of just ‘terminally delightful ‘to the squirrels.”
BenDeLaCreme on Morgan McMichaels in a bonus clip from the reading challenge: “Phoenix … I mean, Nicole Paige Brooks … *squints through reading glasses* … Uh … *shrugs* Pass.”
Until next week, kitty gurlz.