Democracy is crumbling and the United States has burnt through its last remaining bridges across the world, but let’s talk about the royal wedding.
Whether you’ve wanted to or not, you’ve probably seen a ton of headlines about the wedding this week. But forget all that drama about Meghan Markle’s wedding party or how her dad is no longer coming to the wedding due to a tragic combination of paparazzi harassment and British classism. The best revelation by far is that the Royal Wedding has spawned some insane merch.
Because savvy merchandisers have realized that the only thing people care about right now is an overhyped marriage grounded in centuries of social stratification and entitlement, these merchandisers have rolled out an entire Amazon Wish List full of Harry & Meghan materials:
There’s a Harry & Meghan adult coloring book — perfect for when you want to take a break from your day to stroke Prince Harry … ‘s face. With a crayon.
Then there’s a set of royal wiper blades, which is just a rear windshield wiper attached to Meghan’s and Prince Harry’s visages. It’s perfect if you want Prince Harry to always be near your back door.
But perhaps the “we’ve gone too far” moment comes with a set of royal condoms, which — we shit you not — plays an “exclusive” arrangement of “God Save the Queen” and “The Star Spangled Banner” when you open the box. That’s a cure for Viagra if we’ve ever heard one: If you ever start to go soft, just look down at Prince Harry’s smile.
But why stop there? Why not create an entire line of royal sex toys? Why not create a clitoral massager called a “Fascinate-Her,” or a “Little Prince” vibrator, or a set of nipple pasties called Queen Elizatits? The question here shouldn’t be “have we gone too far,” but “have we gone far enough?”