The legendary Griffin has risen again.
Smelling the presence of new, vulnerable prey, The Griffin ascended from the fire pit of her Bel Air mansion yesterday and plunged her talons into … her iPhone … to emit a terrifying string of attacks … on Twitter … to finally and definitively rip apart … Melania Trump.
When the First Lady responded ambiguously and disingenuously to news about immigrant children being separated from their families at the U.S. border, the Griffin used her mystical piercing vision to see right through that bullshit and call the First Lady out on her nonsense.
“Fuck you Melanie,” she tweeted, in response to Melania saying in a statement that she “hates to see children separated from their families and hopes both sides of the aisle can finally come together to achieve successful immigration reform.”
The Griffin added: “You know damn well your husband can end this immediately … you feckless complicit piece of shit.”
With a memory as long as Michael Cohen’s face and hair the color of dumpster fire, The Griffin is already an intimidating foe – but when she goes for the kill, no one stands a chance.
By invoking Melania’s second name, Melanie, she was recalling a time when President Donald Trump misspelled Melania’s, a.k.a. his own wife’s, name in a tweet. And when she called her “feckless,” she was actually transmitting a secret code – emitted solely via piercing, hilarious screams – to comedian Samantha Bee, who recently got in deep shit for calling Ivanka a “feckless cunt.”
It was an especially bold move considering the Griffin was put on a government watch list just a year ago for posing with a fake decapitated Trump head. But perhaps she plans to pick off every member of the Trump family, one by one, like the Velociraptors who ate everyone in The Lost World.
Ultimately, the legendary Griffin’s habits remain a mystery, but we expect more opportunities for study in the future.